The Fuck Show That Is The Chicago Bears

by Frank Rhombus Forget the shit hitting the fan. It’s more like an entire truck full of used colostomy bags took out a windmill somewhere in Chicago, as Jay Cutler has been benched in favor of Jimmy Clausen for this Sunday’s game against the NFC North-leading Detroit Lions. More »

Bernie Kosar Said The Browns Front Office Makes Him Want To Puke, So We’ll Remind Everybody That His Daughter Is A Porn Star

by Tommy Gimler We’re not sure if it’s because of the concussions or the silos of Pabst, but Bernie Kosar is good for saying something that creates a headline at least once a year. And when he does, we like to take the time to remind everybody that his daughter is More »

Worst Fantasy Week Ever

by Tommy Gimler You wanted a trip to your fake football championship. You got Melissa McCarthy jamming a dozen Lincoln Logs into her hump hole instead. Or basically for dorks everywhere, it was a goddamn nightmare. More »

Eddie Bagelstein’s Top 5 Biggest Pimps In The NFL

by Eddie Bagelstein When I was working at Yahoo! Movies, before I moved to Seattle to be bombarded with rain and weirdness, I learned an interesting tidbit from one of the senior editors over there. While trying to get us to come up with completely original, never-before-seen content, we should More »

Tom Brady Is An UGG-Wearing Bitch

by Eddie Bagelstein Like most rational, non-Massholian folks, I hate Tom Brady even more because he wears UGGs. What kind of self respecting three-time Super Bowl champion wears UGGs? Do you see Bradshaw, Montana, or Aikman wearing bear feet? More »

 

It Looks Like DeMarco Murray Fucked His College Teammate’s Wife

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by Frank Rhombus

Cowboys running back DeMarco Murray’s reps might have told TMZ last week that he was “focused on the Bears,” but according to a series of tweets sent out by a former teammate at Oklahoma, Murray couldn’t possibly have been totally focused on Chicago, and that’s because he was fucking that ex-teammate’s wife.

Cowboys Cornerback/Huge Asshole Orlando Scandrick Went To Children’s Hospital And Beat A Kid At Madden

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by Tommy Gimler

I guess when you play for the Dallas Cowboys for seven years you’ll do whatever it takes to be a winner at something.

ESPN Steals Jay Glazer’s Scoop On Johnny Football Starting For The Browns This Sunday

Jay Glazer

by Tommy Gimler

Granted, my retarded six-year-old cousin could have pegged Manziel as the starter this weekend, but it looks like FOX Sports NFL Insider Jay Glazer made it official first and then, because they’re journalism’s equivalent to AIDS, the four-letter ran the story as without crediting the Subway spokesman.

Jeff Fisher’s Big Fuck You To RG3 And The Redskins

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by Frank Rhombus

Odds are you missed the Rams-Redskins game yesterday, and it was probably because the St. Louis Rams were playing the Washington Redskins, but that means you missed one of the greatest fuck you moments the game has ever seen.

Mark Jackson Taught Valuable Lesson About Messing With Jews

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by Eddie Bagelstein

Is anyone else a little upset about the disrespect Mark Jackson’s being shown these days? It’s like back in the mid ’90s when he was traded for a guy named Pooh.

Alabama-Auburn Rivalry Settled The Old Fashioned Way…Stupidly

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by Eddie Bagelstein

Leave it to the Iron Bowl to bring out the world’s smartest football fans. Sure, it’s cliché at this point to associate Southerner with retard, but how do you think clichés come to be?

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