Category Archives: AL West

Hey, The Astros Won’t Lose 100 Games This Year

altuve carter

by Tommy Gimler

Maybe it’s because they’ve taken advantage of former Rangers manager Ron Washington concentrating more on doing lines off of an Arlington hooker than putting together the best possible makeshift lineup. Maybe it’s because their three-foot-six second baseman leads all of baseball in batting average and hits. But whatever the reason, the Houston Astros will lose less than 100 games in a season for the first time since 2010.

Maybe This Is Also Why The Texas Rangers Suck

derek holland

by Tommy Gimler

We’ve said before that the injury bug hit the Texas Rangers harder this year than an eight-year-old Chinese kid who fucked up a pair of sneakers. But after reading what Derek Holland told a Dallas radio station yesterday, maybe there’s another reason why the Rangers’ 2014 season can be classified as pure dog shit.

Prince Fielder Gets Naked For The Body Issue. Let’s Hope These Athletes Don’t

prince fielder

by Frank Rhombus

Usually, the cover of ESPN The Magazine’s “Body Issue” is reserved for the elite bodies of the sporting world. Sometimes it’s even like, “Hey, that snowboarder doesn’t have any legs, but the rest of her only has like two percent body fat.” That all changes this week as the “Body Issue” hits newsstands with some of the covers bearing a butt-naked Prince Fielder.

The Top 5 MLB First Half Fantasy DUDs

harper thumb injury

by Tommy Gimler

Matthew Berry and Eric Karabell are huge fucking dorks at the four-letter, and they told you to draft these guys before the 2014 MLB season started. But odds are if you still have these turds on your fantasy baseball team, you’re almost as far away from winning a championship as Danica Patrick is from winning a race on American soil.

The Funniest First Half Breakdown For All 30 MLB Teams

brewers walk off

by Tommy Gimler

Brewers and Athletics fans probably have permaboners, as their respective teams have been hotter than Kate Upton and Imogen Thomas bumping hump holes. Meanwhile, if the old fucks in St. Petersburg nursing homes haven’t had a chance to catch any Tampa Bay Rays games yet, they should just take a look in their diapers to see what their team has been playing like.

The DUD MLB Midseason Awards: American League

Dillon Harper

by Tommy Gimler

If you had Baltimore’s Nelson Cruz tied atop the American League home run leaderboard and Houston’s Jose Altuve as the AL batting champ at the midway point, you’re a fucking liar. They’ve been a nicer surprise for their respective teams than sitting in sniffer’s row the night your best friend’s sister decides to give amateur night a whirl.

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