Old Man Rant Of The Week: Today’s MLB Players Hit Like S**t

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by Tommy Gimler

When Wade Miley is out there no-hitting “big league” ball clubs, your sport is in a bad place.

And by “bad place,” I mean like a “lost somewhere inside Larry Storch’s anus” kind of bad place.

Angel Hernandez somehow still has a job. Marty Foster had his head so far up his own ass last week that he thought this was obstruction. And Nick Mahrley thinks this is a strike in the Major Leagues. Hell, we could write a post on the epidemic facing MLB that is simply too many umpires being pig shit awful at their jobs when they’re supposed to be the best in the world at it.

But there is something even worse plaguing the game of baseball in 2021, and that of course is that fact that far too many “professional” players can’t hit.

Just how bad is it? Well, let’s put it this way. The record for most no-hitters thrown in a single season is eight way back in 1884. What a magical year that was. As far as the modern era is concerned? Three times since 1990, there were seasons that featured seven no-hitters.

This year? There are already four of these motherfuckers on the board. And if you count Madison Bumgarner no-hitting the Braves in the second game of a doubleheader (only seven innings), that number is five. I mean, fuck, the Cleveland Indians have been no-hit twice in less than a month.

For the sake of argument, let’s keep the total number of no-nos this year at four. That’s four through the first 30-some games for most teams, meaning that we are on pace for…wait for it…20 no-hitters this season.

So what’s the reason for usual turds like Joe Musgrove, John Means, Carlos Rodon and now Wade Fucking Miley having a no-hit arsenal up their sleeves? Are only pitchers being allowed to juice now? Is the shift really that effective? Has the strike zone somehow become bigger than Mama June’s gunt?

Or is it simply because today’s hitters are pure dog shit? There is certainly no shortage of evidence to support that notion.

Going into today’s games, a whopping 51 players with at least 63 at-bats this year are hitting less than .200. One of those turds is hitting under .100. Another one of those guys was an MVP last year. Five of them are pulling down more than $20 million this year. Another 19 guys are hitting less than .210.

I mean, they say baseball has totally become about the analytics and numbers. Well, here’s a number for you fucking nerds: 112 “professional” hitters are batting worse than the .228 that Bob Uecker amassed in 1965, and this is a guy who has become a legend for ripping on himself for sucking balls as a player.

There used to be a time when the majority of hitters would choke up on the bat on a two-strike count and try to “hit it where they ain’t.” Now it’s acceptable to just swing as hard as you can and miss the ball by two feet, which analytics or not, makes zero fucking sense. If three guys were going to play on the right side of the infield against a left-handed hitter, they’d slap one to left or even lay a bunt down just to get on base. Now it’s a sign of having a tiny pecker or some shit if you do that. That has to be the reason, right? I mean, nobody is doing that, instead settling for hard hit grounders right into the shift.

Translation? I’d rather watch the “Traffic Jam” episode of Peppa Pig with my screaming two-year-old daughter than zero .300 hitters suit up for the Brewers as they take on the Marlins today. Well, not really, but it’s closer than it should be…

Wait, there’s more: Watch This College Baseball Player Run THROUGH The Outfield Wall Trying To Make A Catch

You have got to see this shit:

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