Mel Kiper Sucks At His Job: 2021 Edition

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by Tommy Gimler

This guy has never put on a jock strap for fuck’s sake.

In what is quickly moving up on the list of “Days That Should Be A National Holiday,” it’s time to watch the four-letter’s NFL Draft “expert” Mel Kiper crash and burn on the day that matters most for him.

We’re not going to count trades as incorrect picks, as even we can’t be that big of assholes. Our final guess is that he gets somewhere around 11 or 12 picks correct, which out of 32, well, that’s pig shit awful. Here we go with his final mock draft and what is actually taking place…

1. Jacksonville Jaguars

Kiper says: Trevor Lawrence – QB, Clemson

Actual pick: Trevor Lawrence – QB, Clemson

Analysis: Sunshine ends up in the Sunshine State. My grandma also called this pick and she’s been dead for 16 years…

2. New York Jets

Kiper says: Zach Wilson – QB, BYU

Actual pick: Zach Wilson – QB, BYU

Analysis: 2 for 2. Perfect so far, which is something you’d expect from a guy Mickey Mouse is paying at least six figures to be an “expert.”

3. San Francisco 49ers

Kiper says: Mac Jones – QB, Alabama

Actual pick: Trey Lance – QB, North Dakota State

Analysis: Welp, that didn’t take long. The Niners picked him right after Kiper talked shit about him, which makes this fuck-up extra sweet…

4. Atlanta Falcons

Kiper says: Kyle Pitts – TE, Florida

Actual pick: Kyle Pitts, TE, Florida

Analysis: Kiper back into the circle of trust with the Pitts pick, but let’s just say that circle is as strong as my 95-year-old grandfather’s bladder these days. This next pick should prove our point…

5. Cincinnati Bengals

Kiper says: Ja’Marr Chase – WR, LSU

Actual pick: Ja’Marr Chase – WR, LSU

Analysis: You have got to be fist fucking me, on both Kiper being right and the Bengals selecting anybody other than an offensive lineman. Hey, remember when our offensive line sucked so bad that our rookie QB wrecked his leg? You do? Great, let’s take a wideout…

6. Miami Dolphins

Kiper says: DeVonta Smith – WR, Alabama

Actual pick: Jaylen Waddle – WR, Alabama

Analysis: They say that close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and sexual assault, so that means Kiper is wrong. Barely, though, and that means Kiper might be on his way to a career night…

7. Detroit Lions

Kiper says: Trade to New England, who then take Trey Lance

Actual pick: The Lions keep the pick and take Penei Sewell – OT, Oregon

Analysis: You thought wrong, dude. We said we wouldn’t count actual trades as mistakes, but making up shit and it doesn’t come to fruition? Get fucked. Kiper now has more mistakes than my 2-year-old kid does during potty training week…

8. Carolina Panthers

Kiper says: Penei Sewell – OT, Oregon

Actual pick: Jaycee Horn – CB, South Carolina

Analysis: Greeny said that Kiper had a look of shock on his face when this pick was announced. Our guess is that it’s similar to the shocked looks we have on our faces every year that ESPN renews Kiper’s contract…

9. Denver Broncos

Kiper says: Justin Fields – QB, Ohio State

Actual pick: Patrick Surtain II – CB, Alabama

Analysis: To be fair, Elway not burning ANOTHER first round pick on a quarterback is surprising, but Kiper once again finds himself under 50 percent before we reach the 10th overall pick, and remember, he’s an “expert.”

10. Dallas Cowboys

Kiper says: Patrick Surtain II – CB, Alabama

Actual pick: Traded to Eagles, who take DeVonta Smith – WR, Alabama

Analysis: Bailed out by a trade, you lucky fuck. Even crazier than the Cowboys and Eagles helping each other out? You guessed it – Khloe Kardashian. Crazier than that? ESPN still employing Mel Kiper…

11. New York Giants

Kiper says: Jaylen Waddle – WR, Alabama

Actual pick: Traded to da Bears, who take Justin Fields – QB, Ohio State

Analysis: Once again, Mr. Bulletproof Dome gets bailed out by a trade. Although, it was awesome to see the Bears trade up to take Mitch Trubisky’s backup…

12. Philadelphia Eagles

Kiper says: Jaycee Horn – CB, South Carolina

Actual pick: Traded to Dallas, who take Micah Parsons – LB, Penn State

Analysis: Mel Kiper is the Merrill Lynch of this year’s NFL Draft, as he keeps getting bailed out by trades. Still, the fact remains that he only has four correct picks so far, which makes him just as much of an expert at the Draft as I am in regards to lesbian porn. Well, wait. Bad example. I’m pretty in tune with that genre. You know, COVID…

13. Los Angeles Chargers

Kiper says: Rashawn Slater – OT, Northwestern

Actual pick: Rashawn Slater – OT, Northwestern

Analysis: Congrats to Kiper for nailing his first correct pick in just a smidge over an hour!

14. Minnesota Vikings

Kiper says: Christian Darrisaw – OT, Virginia Tech

Actual pick: Traded to the Jets, who take Alijah Vera-Tucker – G, USC

Analysis: We’re actually going to say Kiper is correct here, as he predicted a mock trade for the USC lineman two slots later. We were just thrilled with the looks on some of those Jets fans’ faces when they announced Vera-Tucker and none of them knew who the fuck he was…

15. New England Patriots

Kiper says: Trade to Detroit, who take Micah Parsons – LB, Penn State

Actual pick: New England keeps the pick, sends Bob Kraft’s rub-and-tug brother to the podium and takes Mac Jones - QB, Alabama

Analysis: We were kind with the above praise for Kiper, and we’re going to stay positive with this one, as he correctly predicted the Patriots taking a quarterback. However, he didn’t have them taking Mac Jones at 15, and by everything we’ve read in the Bible, that makes him “wrong as fuck.”

16. Arizona Cardinals

Kiper says: Jets trade for the pick and take Vera-Tucker

Actual pick: Cardinals keep the pick and take Zaven Cullins – LB, Tulsa

Analysis: WRONG! But hey, congrats to Arizona. You can never have too many Zavens on your team…

17. Las Vegas Raiders

Kiper says: Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah – LB, Notre Dame

Actual pick: Alex Leatherwood – OL, Alabama

Analysis: Kiper’s usually good for four or five of these during the first round. We’re not talking about a wrong pick or super wrong pick or not even fucking close pick. This one is simply pig shit awful, especially for an “expert.”

18. Miami Dolphins

Kiper says: Kwity Paye – DE, Michigan

Actual pick: Jaelan Phillips – DE, Miami

Analysis: Getting just the correct position is impressive when you’re an intern at The Daily Upper Decker. When you’re a six-figure douche, we expect better…

19. Washington Football Team

Kiper says: Trevon Moehrig – S, TCU

Actual pick: Jamin Davis – LB, Kentucky

Analysis: The half-bottle of Wild Turkey Kiper consumed coming up with his first 12 shit picks is really starting to take effect now…

20. Chicago Bears

Kiper says: Elijah Moore – WR, Ole Miss

Actual pick: Traded to the Giants, who take Kadarius Toney – WR, Florida

Analysis: Saved by the trade, almost like being saved by whiskey dick right before you’re about to throw it in Amanda Bynes…

21. Indianapolis Colts

Kiper says: Jaelan Phillips – DE, Miami

Actual pick: Kwity Paye – DE, Michigan

Analysis: Even Greenberg is basically calling Kiper a turd at this point. Again, awesome job calling the position, but I’ll do that for 20 bucks an hour, ESPN…

22. Tennessee Titans

Kiper says: Greg Newsome II – CB, Northwestern

Actual pick: Caleb Farley – CB, Virginia Tech

Analysis: Are you seeing a trend here? No, not that Kiper is getting the position correct but not the player. We’re just talking about how he’s wrong again…

23. New York Jets

Kiper says: Jets trade the pick to Arizona

Actual pick: Jets trade the pick to Minnesota, and the Vikings select Christian Darrisaw – OT, Virginia Tech

Analysis: This is a CORRECT pick, believe it or not, and surprisingly, it’s the rare case where the Vikings don’t look like shitdicks at the NFL Draft…

24. Pittsburgh Steelers

Kiper says: Travis Etienne – RB, Clemson

Actual pick: Najee Harris – RB, Alabama

Analysis: Pretty sure Kiper has zero teeth left to place against the curb at this point, so we’ll say, hey, good job, Mel. Way to get another position correct here. But the actual player was wrong, you fuckface…

25. Jacksonville Jaguars

Kiper says: Kadarius Toney – WR, Florida

Actual pick: Travis Etienne – RB, Clemson

Analysis: This is the first of the next four picks that Kiper can’t get correct because his projected players are already off the board. Of course, the only way for him to get bailed out is if a team trades their pick. At this point, he’s 6 of 25. Expert…

26. Cleveland Browns

Kiper says: Jamin Davis – LB, Kentucky

Actual pick: Greg Newsome II – CB, Northwestern

Analysis: Kiper just talked about how Newsome only had one RECEPTION last year. Yeah, he’s a cornerback not a wide receiver. Dynamite analysis from the expert…

27. Baltimore Ravens

Kiper says: Zaven Collins – LB, Tulsa

Actual pick: Rashod Bateman – WR, Minnesota

Analysis: Wrong player. Wrong position. Wrong hillbilly state…

28. New Orleans Saints

Kiper says: Caleb Farley – CB, Virginia Tech

Actual pick: Payton Turner – DE, Houston

Analysis: There was an awkward silence there for about five or six seconds, and that allowed Kiper to quickly flip through his sheets or wait for a producer in his ear to tell him who the fuck this guy is…

29. Green Bay Packers

Kiper says: Rashod Bateman – WR, Minnesota

Actual pick: Eric Stokes – CB, Georgia

Analysis: Even if you’re a hooker in Cleveland during a worldwide pandemic, how do you sleep with this guy?

30. Buffalo Bills

Kiper says: Tyson Campbell – CB, Georgia

Actual pick: Gregory Rousseau – DE, Miami

Analysis: Sounds like Kiper HATES this guy. Hard to tell whether it’s because he needs work before making an impact at the pro level or if it’s just because he’s wrong AGAIN…

31. Baltimore Ravens

Kiper says: Trade the pick to Chargers, who take Asante Samuel, Jr.

Actual pick: Ravens keep the pick and take Jayson Oweh – LB, Penn State

Analysis: My buddy just told me that a friend of his has 10 correct picks during tonight’s draft, and it sounded like he was unemployed. Take a hint, ESPN…

32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Kiper says: Christian Barmore – DT, Alabama

Actual pick: Joe Tryon – LB, Washington

Analysis: Superb ending to this bout of shitdickery from Kiper, as it was the equivalent to Mike Trout swinging and missing on a pitchout. Kiper finishes the night 6 of 32 but still richer than a motherfucker. Only time will tell when the deal he made with the devil will come to a conclusion, but you have to think that bulletproof hairdo is prolonging things…

Wait, there’s more: Watch This College Baseball Player Run THROUGH The Outfield Wall Trying To Make A Catch

You have got to see this shit:

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