How Your Favorite MLB Team Will Finish In 2021 In Just One Sentence

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by Tommy Gimler

Tigers fans should plan on drinking heavily. Again.

It’s Opening Day, which is pretty much the greatest single day on the calendar of American sports. The fact that it falls on April Fools’ Day this year is just an added bonus, given that it’s kind of a joke but not that the Orioles, Rockies and Pirates will all begin the day atop their respective divisions.

Any crap, here’s a sentence or two to sum up how dope, subpar or pig shit awful your favorite MLB team will be this year.

AL East

New York Yankees

All rise! Word is Aaron Judge came into camp with nine less obliques in his abdominal area to pull this year, so look for this mammoth of a human to hit 45 bombs while playing in more than 140 games for the first time since 2017…

Vegas says: 95.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 95-67, DUD says: 94-68

Toronto Blue Jays

Adding George Springer to a lineup that was already making opposing pitchers shart themselves is one thing, but this pitching staff anchored by Hyun Jin Ryu and his 65 percent body fat is almost as underrated as those Trader Joe’s peanut butter cups…

Vegas says: 86.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 88-74, DUD says: 91-71

Boston Red Sox

Alex Cora is back at the helm, and the last time he managed these guys, they won the whole fucking thing…

Vegas says: 80.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 86-76, DUD says: 87-75

Tampa Bay Rays

Tampa Bay is allowing 7,000 fans to attend games during the pandemic, and that means they might finally be able to say they’ve had a sellout crowd…

Vegas says: 85.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 83-79, DUD says: 82-80

Baltimore Orioles

Bruce Zimmermann? Anthony Santander? I’ve never heard of most of these guys…Mitchell Friedman?

Vegas says: 64.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 67-95, DUD says: 27-135

AL Central

Chicago White Sox

With exciting players like Luis Robert, Tim Anderson and Jose Abreu in the lineup, people are finally going to be making their way to Chicago’s South Side by choice

Vegas says: 90.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 84-78, DUD says: 93-69

Cleveland Indians

Another club that is used to playing in front of just 12 or 14 fans, those who do make their way out to the ballpark aren’t going to see Francisco Lindor anymore, but they’ll still be able to watch the best pitching staff in the division…

Vegas says: 81.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 81-81, DUD says: 87-75

Minnesota Twins

The Twins’ website lists Miguel Sano at 272 pounds this year. Yeah, and I’ve got a nine-inch boom stick…

Vegas says: 88.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 86-76, DUD says: 85-77

Kansas City Royals

There’s a ton of potential in both Kansas City’s everyday lineup and starting rotation. Unfortunately, Sports Illustrated once defined potential as “not worth jack shit right now.”

Vegas says: 74.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 77-85, DUD says: 80-82

Detroit Tigers

Matthew Boyd is 234 pounds, and he’ll be hurling for the Tigers on Opening Day. Oh, and he blows…

Vegas says: 68.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 71-91, DUD says: 60-102

AL West

Oakland Athletics

Look, if Jonah Hill likes Trevor Rosenthal closing games for the A’s this year then so do I…

Vegas says: 86.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 83-79, DUD says: 95-67

LA Angels of Anaheim

We crunched the numbers, and it looks like this Angels team is going to either win more than 90 games or they’re not. And if you’re keeping score at home, the list of guys who can plow my sister is headed by Mike Trout, so they’ve got that going for them, which is nice…

Vegas says: 83.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 84-78, DUD says: 91-71

Houston Astros

Justin Verlander probably won’t pitch in 2021, so if Kate Upton isn’t going to be part of this fanbase, then fuck these guys…

Vegas says: 87.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 88-74, DUD says: 84-78

Texas Rangers

Let’s hope that Globe Life is better at the life insurance game than they are at the naming ballparks game. Their two-year start to this contract is almost as piss poor as the product the home team will put out there this year…

Vegas says: 67.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 70-92, DUD says: 69 (haha)-93

Seattle Mariners

Mark my words, kids. This Jared Kelenic fella will find his way onto the list of guys who can plow my sister before the calendar hits 2023, but the rest of these guys, well, they will not…

Vegas says: 72.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 74-88, DUD says: 65-97

NL East

Atlanta Braves

Does it get any better than the everyday lineup the Braves will be putting on the diamond this year? Yes, but they’re still pretty damn solid…

Vegas says: 91.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 89-73, DUD says: 94-68

New York Mets

One source told us that if Noah Syndergaard focused on pitching as much as he does on pussy, he’d be a Cy Young candidate. But fuck him, because deGrom, Stroman and Cookie Carrasco will be the ones taking this team to the postseason…

Vegas says: 90.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 92-70, DUD says: 93-69

Philadelphia Phillies

For whatever reason, Nola and Wheeler as a 1-2 punch is giving us a massive boner. Chase Anderson and Matt Moore? Yeah, not so much…

Vegas says: 80.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 81-81, DUD says: 86-76

Washington Nationals

This is finally the year that Max Scherzer’s right arm falls off…

Vegas says: 84.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 83-79, DUD says: 81-81

Miami Marlins

Any group of Triple-A fuckshows can put it together for 60 games, but can the Marlins do it this year over a 162-game stretch? Nope…

Vegas says: 71.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 73-89, DUD says: 70-92

NL Central

Cincinnati Reds

The best pitching coach in baseball is Derek Johnson, and the last time he teamed up with Wade Miley, that team made it to the NLCS…

Vegas says: 81.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 78-84, DUD says: 90-72

Milwaukee Brewers

Show me somebody who has a better 1-2 punch to close out ball games than Williams and Hader, and I’ll show you a fucking liar. Show me somebody who has a better pitcher than Josh Lindblom, and I’ll show you every other team in the league…

Vegas says: 82.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 81-81, DUD says: 87-75

St. Louis Cardinals

Two-thirds of the writers and staff at MLB.com are picking the Cards to win the division, but this starting pitching looks to be the equivalent to my 95-year-old grandpa’s chances of making it to the bathroom on time these days: not good

Vegas says: 86.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 79-83, DUD says: 85-77

Chicago Cubs

Zach Davies might win the award for the player who most looks like he smells like urine, but that’ll be it because he’s going to get crushed

Vegas says: 78.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 78-84, DUD says: 75-87

Pittsburgh Pirates

Three years ago, it was Marte and McCutchen roaming the outfield. Now? You guessed it: Reynolds and Alford. Who are these fucking guys?

Vegas says: 59.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 66-96, DUD says: 4-158

NL West

San Diego Padres

Even my grandma is picking the Dodgers to win the NL West this year, and she’s been dead for 16 years, so we’re going to go with the Padres based solely on Fernando Tatis’s hair…

Vegas says: 94.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 94-78, DUD says: 101-61

Los Angeles Dodgers

The Dodgers didn’t need Trevor Bauer to be the best team in baseball, but they signed him anyway, and that’s, well, that’s fucking gross…

Vegas says: 102.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 98-64, DUD says: 100-62

Arizona Diamondbacks

When you can’t find anything to come up with about anybody on the entire team, then leaning under .500 is the way to go…

Vegas says: 74.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 74-88, DUD says: 78-84

San Francisco Giants

It’s looking to be a tight race in terms of what’s going to be a higher number this year. Will it be the average number of runs scored by the Giants each game or the average number of homeless people Gabe Kapler has to step over in the parking lot on the way to his Mercedes after each game?

Vegas says: 75.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 77-85, DUD says: 74-88

Colorado Rockies

When you trade away the best third baseman in the game and get nothing but a couple of fuckshows in return and you give that team money to help pay for that great player’s contract? Yeah, you’re not even trying to win…

Vegas says: 63.5 wins, FanGraphs says: 67-95, DUD says: 59-103

Wait, there’s more: Angels Fan Sacrifices His Beer To Save Both Him And A Girl On Her Phone From A Foul Ball

You have got to see this shit:

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