Brewers Ink Braun To 2-Year, $12 Million Deal

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by Tommy Gimler

The Brewers’ all-time leader in home runs will indeed finish his career with Milwaukee.

Just not this year.

Somewhat shocking news out of Milwaukee today, as Brewers president of baseball operations David Stearns announced Ryan Braun will suit up for today’s season opener against the Minnesota Twins after the two sides agreed to a two-year, $12 million deal late Wednesday night. There had been some speculation the outfielder was ready to call it quits, but after a few days with the club in both Maryvale and Milwaukee, Stearns and Braun’s agent Nez Balelo were able to put something together.

The signing more than likely means Braun will wind up playing every game of his career for Milwaukee, something that was very important to an emotional Brewers owner Mark Attanasio.

“What Ryan has brought to our ball club the last 14 seasons is an undeniable ‘whatever it takes to win’ drive that really has never been seen here before,” Attanasio said. “I mean, who else would fill his body up with a bunch of illegal substances, get caught, deny it, drag a piss collector’s integrity through the mud, get an arbitrator fired after having his suspension briefly overturned, get caught again, lie about it again and then continue to play through a nagging outer labia injury? Nobody, especially Mat Gamel.”

Stearns was also elated about bringing Braun back for another two seasons.

“All I can say is that when Braunie does hang ‘em up after this, we’re going to immediately put him on our Wall of Honor,” Stearns said. “Our goal is to remove some of the other greats up there right now like John Jaha, Mike Fetters, Pat Listach, Carlos Gomez, Chuck Crim, Chris Bosio and Jose Valentin and replace it with a massive plaque of Ryan. Hopefully they can make it so he has that signature grin on his face. You know the one I’m talking about. The one where he knows he threw the entire organization over a chair the last six years and desecrated our stinkhole.”

Asked about what he planned to do with the Rickie Weeks plaque, Stearns said that he “didn’t know how or why he got in there” and would get on that right away.

While ownership and the front office were rather jubilant over the Braun signing, some players in the clubhouse didn’t share the same sentiment.

Asking to remain anonymous, Lorenzo Cain said the Braun signing showed that “not only do cheaters always win, but apparently so do massive cocksuckers.” Third baseman Travis Shaw echoed that sentiment.

“I really can’t believe I’m still in the big leagues,” Shaw said, “much less actually starting for an organization.” When pressed for a comment on Braun, Shaw said he “couldn’t give two fucks,” dropped his towel and then pointed to his crotch in a manner that suggested every reporter in the clubhouse should “suck it.”

On top of the $12 million this year and next, the Brewers will still pay Braun his deferred salary of $18 million over the span of 10 years beginning in 2022, which one Brewers front office intern said “fucking blows.”

NOTE: This article was obviously an April Fools’ Day joke. The Brewers really did not sign Ryan Braun, and nobody referenced in this article actually said any of that stuff. If you made it this far without realizing that, you’re a goddamn idiot.

Wait, there’s more: How Your Favorite MLB Team Will Finish In 2021 In Just One Sentence

You have got to see this shit:

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