5 Things You Need To Know About Korean Baseball Since It’s The Only Damn Thing We’ve Got Right Now

Screen Shot 2020-05-06 at 11.07.45 PM

by Tommy Gimler

If you would have told me six months ago that I was going to be doing a post on Korean baseball that didn’t have to do with a gymnast throwing out the first pitch with her hoo-ha, I would have told you to get fucked.

Welp, it’s six months later and we’re all getting fucked in terms of what we’re able to watch in terms of live sports. Sure, watching a replay of Juan Nieves chuck the only no-hitter in Brewers history last night was tig ol’ bitties, but man, what I would give right now to see Corbin Burnes give up five runs in one-third of an inning can’t be put into words. At least properly.

So with that in mind, let’s focus on one baseball season that actually is in full swing and can be seen on the four-letter. Yup, we’re talking the KBO League, the highest level of baseball in South Korea. Hey, it’s better than watching Russian table tennis, right? Here are five things you need to know before you tune in tomorrow and the day after and probably the next 45 days after.

1. The KBO League was founded in 1982.

While there are now 10 teams in 2020, the league began with just six teams in 1982. What a year that was! I mean, can you believe that back in 1982 you could walk into a bar, tavern, pub or any kind of drinking establishment and have a beer? Crazy!

2. The Kia Tigers have won more championships than any other team.

The equivalent to the New York Yankees in South Korea, the Tigers have won 11 championships since 1982. The next closest team is the Samsung Lions with 8. The craziest part about Kia’s 11 championships is that they have won the whole fucking thing all 11 times they have made it that far. In comparison, the Lions have won 8 championships and lost the other 10 times they have made it that far.

11 for 11. Imagine that in terms of walking into one of those things called a bar we were talking about earlier. Imagine hitting on 11 girls and all 11 confirm in writing that they want to give you a knob job. None of this “Go get me a Cosmopolitan or six and, oh you’re not going to believe this, but I’m on the rag” bullshit. 11 for 11. Impressive…

3. The reigning MVP now pitches for the Brewers.

Well, the KBO players can’t be that good then. Look, I love the Brew Crew with all my heart and one of my testicles. But if they’re able to snatch another league’s MVP away from them - and we’re talking about Josh Lindblom here (yes, that Josh Lindblom) - for the low, low price of $9.125 million total over the next three years, well, maybe I need to get back in the cages and seek a tryout in Seoul sometime later this summer…

4. Matt Williams is now the manager of the Kia Tigers.

Remember when Matt Williams was hired by the Washington Nationals and he totally fucked things up there? Hey, Bryce Harper, run out a grounder hard to first base because that’s the way we did it in my day, motherfucker. Well, that didn’t work too well in America’s capital, but the crew at Kia is expecting that mentality will pay off in the city of Gwangju.

To be safe, though, they hired Hee-Seop Choi to be the hitting coach. And that makes a ton of sense considering the dude couldn’t hit shit in America. I mean, a lot of teams are looking for career .240 hitters who fizzled out of the bigs after four dogshit seasons to teach their players how to do the same. Wait, what?

5. The best part of the KBO is the first pitch.

Seriously, there are some crazy motherfucking first pitches coming out of this league year after year. Google KBO first pitches and you’ll have quite the array to choose from. Sadly, this is what those first pitches look like today:

Wait, there’s more: Best Of The Weekend: Will Ferrell As Greg Olsen During Seahawks’ Team Meeting

You have got to see this shit:

What do you think? Leave a comment or subscribe to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Image Description