BREAKING NEWS: Tiger, Phil, Rory And Brooks Koepka To Play Augusta National On April 20

The Masters - Final Round

by Tommy Gimler

Finally, it looks as though we’re going to have a real sport to bet on later this month instead of this Turkish soccer bullshit.

Golf fans across the globe might not be getting the Masters tourney they were craving next weekend, but it appears as though there will be golf played at Augusta National in April, and it’s going to be played by some pretty big names, too. Roughly an hour ago, the PGA announced four of their sport’s biggest names – Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Rory McIlroy and Brooks Koepka – will partake in a winner-take-all 18-hole match on April 20, with much of the sponsor proceeds going toward the fight to legalize marijuana in the Peach State.

“I’m beyond excited to get back on the course, obviously,” Tiger Woods told CBS Sports. “And with a purse of roughly $12 million, I knew Phil would be up for it. Rory and I still kind of have that rivalry going, if that’s what you want to call it, so that’ll also be a nice touch. I mean, how many majors has he won? Four? Yeah, some rivalry there.”

“And then once I saw Koepka butt-fucking naked on the cover of ESPN The Magazine last year, I knew he’d be up for anything, even a tournament that involves legalizing pot,” Woods added.

Mickelson was equally delighted by the news of the tournament becoming official.

“I mean, let’s be honest. I need to gamble on shit, and I need to play golf for money,” Mickelson said. “With sports and golf courses across the country shut down, the only thing I’ve been able to bet on is which one my kids is going to take a dump first. Don’t get me wrong. It’s cute and all, but I’d rather be draining 20-footers for some bacon.”

In order to comply with our nation’s social distancing guidelines and in an effort to ensure none of the players or their caddies contract COVID-19, no fans with a history of diabetes or those who even look like they might have diabetes will be allowed on the course.

“Yeah, unfortunately that means Craig Stadler will have to watch from home,” Mickelson said.

In addition, ball washers at every tee box will be replaced by portable bathroom sinks with signs reminding players and fans the water in the sinks is not drinkable. Other signs will describe how and when to wash your hands throughout the day, including after you have gone pee-pee, after you have coughed or sneezed in your hands and after you have butt sex in the woods along Hole 13.

The tournament will begin at 1:40 EST on 4/20, brah, and golf fans at home will be able to catch the action on truTV, meaning the majority of Americans will be tuning in to that channel for the first time since last year’s NCAA Tournament.

***Editor’s Note: This was obviously an April Fool’s Day joke. If it took you this long to figure that out, we’re truly sorry that you’re mentally fucked…

Wait, there’s more: Three MLB Headlines We Could Have Seen From What Should Have Been Opening Weekend

You have got to see this shit:

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