2020 NFL Win Totals Are Out And Some Of These Sum Bitches Are JUICY

stafford

by Tommy Gimler

Anybody else getting ragers just from the thought of betting on football?

It used to be that thinking about sports while in the midst of a hump sesh would prolong your experience, but fuck, man, thinking about throwing everything I saved up for my daughter’s first year of college on the Jets to win at least seven games is making me splooge in record times I haven’t known since high school. Hell at this rate, it’s not like she’ll be allowed to attend class anyway, so fuck it.

The thugs in Vegas have released their win totals for the 2020 NFL season despite the fact that this year’s draft from Roger Goodell’s basement hasn’t taken place yet, and let’s just say that some of these motherfuckers are juicy. The Patriots at 8.5 wins, their lowest win total since 2003? Juicy. 

Tampa Bay at just 9 wins despite the fact they just replaced a shitdick who threw 30 picks last year with a stud who hasn’t thrown 30 INTs in the last four seasons combined? Really juicy.

The Dallas Cowboys at 9.5 wins despite bringing that mouth-breathing sack of fuck Mike McCarthy onboard to lead them? Jizz Fucking City, baby.

Here are the totals for all 32 teams:

Baltimore Ravens: 12
Kansas City Chiefs: 12
New Orleans Saints: 10.5
San Francisco 49ers: 10.5
Dallas Cowboys: 9.5
Philadelphia Eagles: 9.5
Seattle Seahawks: 9.5
Buffalo Bills: 9
Pittsburgh Steelers: 9
Minnesota Vikings: 9
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 9
New England Patriots: 8.5
Cleveland Browns: 8.5
Indianapolis Colts: 8.5
Tennessee Titans: 8.5
Los Angeles Chargers: 8.5
Chicago Bears: 8.5
Green Bay Packers: 8.5
Los Angeles Rams: 8.5
Houston Texans: 7.5
Denver Broncos: 7.5
Atlanta Falcons: 7.5
Arizona Cardinals: 7.5
Las Vegas Raiders: 7
New York Jets: 6.5
Detroit Lions: 6.5
Miami Dolphins: 6
New York Giants: 5.5
Carolina Panthers: 5.5
Cincinnati Bengals: 5
Jacksonville Jaguars: 4.5
Washington Redskins: 4.5

The Juiciest: Detroit Lions UNDER 6.5 wins

While their exact schedule won’t be released until early May, this three-win team from a year ago (albeit without Matthew Stafford for a good portion of it) has six games against division opponents that are all much, much, much, much, much better than they are. On top of that, they get the Bucs, Saints, Colts and Texans at home along with the Titans, Falcons and Cardinals on the road. Enjoy taking the Redskins and Panthers to Pound Town, and maybe they get Chicago before Nagy decides it’s time to let Big Dick Nick sling the pigskin, but this team going 7-9 and losing my bet seems about as likely as any of us having butt sex with Kate Upton before Arbor Day…

Wait, there’s more: The Day MLB’s Color Barrier Was Broken By…Babe Ruth?

You have got to see this shit:

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