Three MLB Headlines We Could Have Seen From What Should Have Been Opening Weekend

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by Frank Rhombus

Life without baseball is just like any song from Lil Wayne: it fucking blows.

COVID-19 has not only destroyed the health and well-being of thousands of people around the globe, but it has also wreaked havoc on the sports world, including the indefinite suspension America’s Pastime.

March 26 should have been Opening Day of the 2020 MLB season, filled with home runs, 98-MPH Josh Hader fastballs and of course, severe intoxication. Instead, we are all forced to take a bite out of what has to be the biggest dick sandwich of the last decade or so.

Had it been business as usual in ballparks around the nation, here are a few headlines we could have seen from our favorite publications.

Angels Take 2 Of 3 From Astros As More Houston Batters Get Plunked Than Cross The Plate

One of the hottest early season tickets in recent memory was any seat inside Angel Stadium later this week when the Halos played their first home games of the year against those cheating fucks from Houston. First, it was three on the road inside Minute Maid Park, where wouldn’t you know it, minus the trash cans and TV monitors, Houston’s offense was pure dog shit.

Yordan Alvarez hit two Opening Day home runs off Angels pitching, accounting for half of the entire run total Houston would amass the entire series. New Angels skipper Joe Maddon’s pitching staff beaned seven Astros hitters in the series, although to be fair, Astros batters didn’t know inside heat was on its way this time around…

Nobody Shanked In Dodger Stadium Parking Lot This Time Around As LA Sweeps San Francisco

Going into the 2020 MLB season, all of the experts were calling the Dodgers the best team in all of baseball and the Giants worse than the afterbirth of a Kanye West offspring. The Dodgers outscored their most-hated rival 37-5 in the three-game set, with the only five runs for the Giants coming in the ninth inning of Game 3 off Justin Turner, who took the mound with the Dodgers sporting a 19-0 lead…

Yu Darvish Lit The Fuck Up As Brew Crew Takes Two Of Three From Cubs

Christian Yelich hit back at Cubs “ace” Yu Darvish on that Twitter thing the kids are using a few months ago after Darvish accused Yelich of being a cheating sack of fuck. Yelich’s response? You guessed it – “Be better than this. Nobody needs help facing you.”

That was absolutely true, as even Brewers pitcher Brandon Woodruff took Darvish deep in Milwaukee’s 9-4 Opening Day win. Darvish’s final line looked worse than my uncle’s face after getting kicked by a mule in Turkey: 4 1/3 IP, 8 hits, 6 ER and 2 K…

Let’s hope for some real headlines before I’m forced to bet on international soccer friendlies. Puke…

Wait, there’s more: Even Eric Dickerson Thinks The New Rams Logo Looks Like A Penis

You have got to see this shit:

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