Positive News Story: The Chicago Bears Just Gave $9 Million Guaranteed To Massive Turd Jimmy Graham

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by Tommy Gimler

If you can’t catch more than five touchdown passes in two years with Aaron Rodgers at the helm, how many do you expect him to get with Mitchell Trubisky slinging pigskins?

We had our intern crunch some numbers, and the answer he came up with? You guessed it – negative 12.

At this point, the Chicago Bears have to be 100 percent fucking with their fans, right? I mean, Jimmy Graham for two years at $16 million and $9 million guaranteed? No seriously, that’s what the Bears did today. Per ProFootballTalk:

Graham and the Bears have agreed to a two-year, $16 million contract with $9 million guaranteed, Adam Schefter of ESPN reports. Because Graham was released by the Packers last week, he is eligible to sign with a team right now, rather than waiting for the start of the league year on Wednesday.

The 33-year-old Graham caught just 38 passes for 447 yards last season, both his lowest totals since his rookie year. But while the Packers may have felt he lost a step, the Bears think he can be a big contributor in their offense.

Maybe the reason the state of Illinois has already run out of legal weed is because the fuckshows in charge of the Bears have smoked or eaten it all up. I mean at this point, it’s harder (pun intended) to say which signing has left Packers fans with bigger boners, this one or the Vikings saying, “Sure, we’ll take two more years of Kirk Cousins shitting the bed when it matters.”

Wait, there’s more: Here’s What Dallas Braden Is Doing With His Free Time During The Coronavirus Pandemic

You have got to see this shit:

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