These Super Bowl 54 Prop Bets Are Freakin’ JUICY, Bro

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by Rakesh the Intern

I didn’t take quaaludes for entire month of January and now I am in great shape to make bookie my bitch during Super Bowl, bro.

Check it out, bro. It has been another year of putting Rupee in my pocket betting on this silly game of American football, but just barely bro. 52 percent of bets winning is good, but so is sleeping with ex-girlfriend Akansh. Now let’s be great during Super Bowl and then go be great with Akansh’s hotter, younger sister, bro.

Here is what I am thinking for Super Bowl 54, bro:

Will Demi Lovato’s microphone be black during the national anthem? YES -250

I’m telling you, bro. This one is easier than Akansh, and she was biggest slut in Howrah. Even Grandpa Sahir and Cousin Gokul tag team that poon. Sick shit, bro. The mic is always black, even when singer is too, bro. Take yes and enjoy new money for hooker, my friend…

Will the game be tied again after 0-0? YES -200

Listen, bro. You look at last year’s Super Bowl and it was story of Patriots against shit from pig team. This year, it is best team in NFC all year long against team that is hottest in AFC. Trading scores should be common theme in this one. Look for this one to be tied after first score probably before end of first quarter, allowing you to cash in Rupee and order early hooker to watch Shakira and JLo halftime show with, bro…

Total number of 49ers with reception OVER 5.5 -215

Let me tell you something, bro. This Jimmy Garoppolo only throws 8 passes in NFC Championship and the over is -215 in this one, bro? That means something smell fishier that Akansh’s poon here. Everybody know that 49ers cannot run ball 87 times again and win this game. Look for this Garoppolo to spread it out and yet again this is one that should hit way before game ends so you can collect Rupee and order off poon menu, bro…

Total number of players to having passing attempt OVER 2.5 EVEN

Look, bro. Most of time in Super Bowl, teams know they must be more clever that Uncle Omkar, and he once sleep with 139 women other than Aunt Tanvi before getting caught. And he wasn’t even caught for fuck time, bro. Wound up getting pinched for fixing local cricket match in Howrah and now he is in prison most likely having fuck time not by choice. Sick shit, bro. Anyway, boss, this is game where punter, receiver or even running back could throw one and usually does, so I’ll load and lock up on the over in this one to collet Rupee, bro…

Emmanuel Sanders OVER 74.5 receiving yards +210

Check it out, bro. This one is almost as simple as Cousin Harish and he was born with just three-quarter brain. Sad shit, bro. Anyway, in last five games against Kansas City, this Sanders has average 70 yards per game, and that was with shit from pig quarterback throwing football. At number like +210, we think betting on extra five yards this time around is worth risk. Plus we don’t think this Garoppolo is shit from pig, and with all attention on stopping run and this George Kittle fellow, look for Sanders to have juicy matchup most of time and take advantage, bro…

Mecole Hardman OVER 51.5 receiving yards +270

I’m telling you, bro. This is one that is yet again worth taking risk simply because Hardman has awesome last name for smut film. Hardman, bro. Also, he is kind of player who can get all 52 yards necessary for Rupee win on just one catch. Look for at least two deep shots taken by this Mahomes with Hardman and then hope for luck that one hits for jackpot. Take the chance here, bro…

Will a successful field goal be kicked in the third quarter? YES -110

Listen, bro. If you don’t think field goals are going to be part of this game with these defenses, you are crazier than Uncle Kunal and we once caught that guy fucking goat at family reunion. Sick shit, bro. So why not pick third quarter for at least one of those to split uprights? I’ll take chance here, bro…

Wait, there’s more: This Is What It Would Sound Like If John Madden and Pat Summerall Were Still Calling Games

You have got to see this shit:

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