And The Betting Total For Astros Batters Getting Plunked This Year Is…

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by Tommy Gimler

Let’s just say the total is higher than the number of years Jack Nicholson has spent on this planet but not even close to the number of ladies he has plowed.

So did you hear about this Houston Astros team cheating their way to a World Series title? Look, if you call yourself a sports fan and you haven’t yet, you have more in common with Helen Keller than you might think.

And how do people feel about it? Well, let’s just say that if there is an Astros fan suing the team for $1 million, baseball fans everywhere else are pretty goddamn pissed. Here in Los Angeles, I can’t even jump on Facebook to look at pictures of my buddies’ wives without first coming across some butthurt Dodgers fan who feels like his take on the cheating scandal is a fresh one.

As far as actual MLB players not on the Astros go, well, they’re super pissed as well. Atlanta Braves outfielder Nick Markakis went as far as saying “everybody over there needs a beating.” Naturally, the easiest way to do that in the game of baseball is by throwing a 97-MPH in their backs, something that new Astros manager Dusty Baker is very concerned about heading into the 2020 season.

“I’m depending on the league to try to put a stop to this seemingly premeditated retaliation that I’m hearing about,” Baker said over the weekend. “And in most instances in life, you get kind of reprimanded when you have premeditated anything. I’m just hoping that the league puts a stop to this before somebody gets hurt.”

More important than Dusty Baker being aware of the ass-pounding his players could take this year? You guessed it – Vegas, baby. The William Hill sportsbook, who seemingly takes bets on everything from the Kitten Bowl to how many times my buddy C Man will drop a deuce today, has come up with a total number of times an Astros batter will get hit this year, and it averages out to more than once every other game.

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You taking the over or under here? (via @sportsline)

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According to CBS Sports, only nine teams have been hit more than 83.5 times over the past five seasons, and we’re pretty sure the majority of them had that asshole Jose Bautista on their roster.

Given the assumption that none of those teams were cheating, I’d say the total is suspiciously low here. My guess is that somebody is going to try to drill Jose Altuve in the back but drill him in the dome instead, people will cry and lose a crap ton of money, and then it will stop. I mean, if this was the 1970s, I’d say the total would be somewhere around 1,200. But we’re living in 2020, and we’re a culture that is softer than Pablo Sandoval’s gunt.

Throw a nickel on the under, degenerates…

Wait, there’s more: The Craziest Sports Clip Of The Weekend Comes From…Thailand?

You have got to see this shit:

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