USA Today Released Their 2019 NFL Predictions And It’s Obvious That Most Of Their Writers Are Smoking Crack


by Tommy Gimler

I’m pretty sure it was Proverbs 3:5 that read, “Predictions are like assholes – most of them stink.”

Look, we make predictions all the time here at The DUD, and most of the time they suck balls because we’re only doing it to be funny. I mean, we picked the Raiders to finish with a better record than the Chiefs last year in hopes that it would create some optimism and perhaps delay the majority of Raiders fans who read our posts from going out and committing another felony. Hell, we hire an Indian intern who thinks the game of American football is more fucked up than his cousin’s baby left arm, and we tell him to make predictions about each week’s games.

However, he looks like a goddamn genius compared to whoever decided to print these predictions for the upcoming NFL season over at USA Today. For starters, they have five teams finishing at 3-13. We went all the way back to the 2000 NFL season, and there wasn’t one year in which five of the league’s teams finished at 3-13 or worse.

Second, they’ve got the Texans finishing last in the AFC South at 6-10 despite the fact that they’re fucking loaded. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a bigger talent at the wide receiver position than DeAndre Hopkins, and while J.J. Watt, Will Fuller and Deshaun Watson won’t be running trains on girls with Hopkins because none of them are his uncle (true story), that’s simply just too much talent to finish a pig shit awful 6-10.

Here’s the rest of their “trash” predictions:

Well, there’s a great way to get even fewer people to read your newspaper. I mean, in a way, these USA Today writers are a lot like motorcyclists in Los Angeles speeding between stopped cars on the 405. Either their stones are the size of grapefruits or their brains are smaller than an Irish pecker…

Wait, there’s more: Bears Coach Matt Nagy Wants You To Buy Him ‘Some Penis And Cracker Jacks’ At The Old Ball Game

You have got to see this shit:

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