These 3 Teams Should Seriously Think About Unloading Their Entire Roster At The MLB Trade Deadline

gross

by Tommy Gimler

Thankfully for some of these cities’ sports fans, the NFL season opener is just 37 days away.

For some teams like Baltimore, Miami and Kansas City, 2019 has been a season filled with nothing but dick sandwich after dick sandwich. But for these teams, it’s been even worse than that.

Here are three teams who should clean house and start fresh before tomorrow’s MLB trade deadline:

3. Seattle Mariners

The good news for Mariners fans is that shitty GM Jerry Dipoto has already begun the purge and has this team primed to lose 120 games in each of the next three seasons. If Dan Vogelbach doesn’t eat his way onto the IL next month, he’ll literally be the only guy worth six fucks still left on the roster. Kyle Seager is a has-been (if he really ever was something to begin with), and Mallex Smith hasn’t stolen a base since July 19, and that’s really the only thing he brings to the table. Their pitching staff resembles the assortment of turds you’re given when you start a franchise on Nintendo’s Baseball Stars, and even that is probably giving them too much credit.

Instead of bringing these clowns in for an end-of-season interview, Dipoto should just leave each of them a “Get Fucked” card in their locker and start anew. Perhaps he should also leave one of those cards on his own desk as well if he’s truly serious about turning this franchise around…

2. Pittsburgh Pirates

How does Pirates GM Neal Huntington still have a job? Is it simply because he shuts his mouth on a daily basis and doesn’t unleash on owner Robert Nutting for being a cheap fuck? Just a few years back, the Pirates organization was primed to make a run at a World Series title but instead of bringing in a difference maker or two, they settled for onboarding sacks of fuck and wound up losing in the NLDS to St. Louis before dropping two consecutive Wild Card games.

Now, they’re left with a pitching staff anchored by Trevor Williams, who you might recognize from the line, “Who in the hell is Trevor Williams?”, and with pretty much just Marte, Vazquez and Bell as the only three guys who’d fetch a decent haul of prospects (unless of course Huntington fucks it up again), the time to rebuild is right now, and by that, I mean before tomorrow’s deadline. Bring in a bunch of 19 and 20-year-old talent and tell the Bucs fanbase to gear up for 2022…

1. Detroit Tigers

Quick. Without looking, name three Detroit Tigers players not named Miguel Cabrera.

Odds are you can’t because they’re all pig shit awful nobodies. That’s the best way to explain why they have the worst record in all of baseball at 31-71. And just think, they still have four more years and $124 million of that Miggy contract left to go, and that doesn’t include the $8 million buyout at the end of it so they won’t have to pay him an additional $60 million in 2024 and 2025.

One of their starting pitchers is living in a van, which I guess is better than actually living in Detroit. Their best starting pitcher has six wins. Six wins, and the calendar is about to hit August. Still, that’s five more than Jordan Zimmermann, who just notched his first “W” of the season last night.

Forget moving just the players out of town in this case. Things are so bad in Detroit that their TV announcers got into a fight last year and were fired for it despite the fact that it was the most heart anybody in the organization had showed all year. If you’re Christopher Ilitch, it’s time to tell everybody except yourself to take a fucking hike and move the team somewhere nicer, which by our calculations looks like that would be anywhere else. Well, except Flint…

Wait, there’s more: Grabbing A Handful Of Boob Is Catching On At Miller Park

You have got to see this shit:

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