The DUD Hands Out Their MLB First Half Awards


by Tommy Gimler

Try finding another site who’s dishing out the “Kate Upton’s Yams” award.

The MLB All-Star Game starts in 12 minutes. Here’s something for you to chew on before that.

The Butthole Surfers Award – Josh Bell – 1B, Pittsburgh Pirates

The Butthole Surfers put out six albums of the most annoying shit you’ll ever hear outside of my grandfather trying to read his birthday cards aloud before releasing Electriclarryland, which wound up going gold thanks to the hit single “Pepper.” Pure fucking garbage for the longest time and then boom – they’re on top of the world.

For years, Pirates fans and fantasy nerds like myself had been hearing about Josh Bell, this dude who was supposed to be one of the best left-handed hitters in the game. And I guess you could say that hitting .255 with 26 home runs two years ago was a decent season by today’s standards, but there’s a strong likelihood that you dropped his ass from your fake baseball team in a fake keeper league after he only hit 12 home runs last year. I mean, what a waste. Why would you keep him around?

Well, fast forward to right now, and the dude already has a career-high 27 home runs, he’s hitting .302 and he leads all of baseball with 84 RBI, a total that is just six off of his career high. Meanwhile, you’ve got Joey Votto manning first base on your fake roster, and he’s hitting .268 with 8 home runs and 22 RBI. Good call…

The Kate Upton’s Yams Award – Tie – Cody Bellinger and Christian Yelich

There’s no denying that Kate Upton’s fun bags are as good as it gets without going into the shop to get them altered. Seriously, I think Stephen Hawking proved it before he croaked, and he was known as one of the smartest men on the planet before he passed as well as one of the biggest sex freaks. I trust his work.

Likewise, there’s no denying that Bellinger and Yelich were both the best players of the first half of the MLB season. Sure, Yelich has more homers and stolen bases as well as a higher .OPS, but Bellinger has a higher average and WAR to go along with his higher runs and RBI totals. But outside of the stolen bases, it’s not like either player is that far ahead of the other in most statistical categories, so having to pick one of them over the other would be a tougher decision than deciding which of Upton’s boobs you’d want to see first. Essentially, the answer to both questions wouldn’t matter because they’re all fucking fantastic…

The Justin Bieber Award – Jesus Aguilar – 1B, Milwaukee Brewers

Justin Bieber was once a panty-wrecker of biblical proportions, but now? You guessed it – nothing more than another fucked up meth head taking up space in Los Angeles.

Likewise, Jesus Aguilar was a goddamn force to be reckoned with last year, mashing 35 home runs and driving in 108 runs during a magical season for the Brewers. This year, Aguilar is so pig shit awful that he’s hardly even starting for the Crew. And when he does he’s nothing short of pure garbage, hitting just .225 with 8 bombs and 32 RBI. If the Brewers are going to make another push toward the postseason this year, they’re going to need this dude to pull his head out of his ass and start mashing. Perhaps getting him an epic slumpbuster during the All-Star break is in order, and it shouldn’t be too hard to find one or two in Milwaukee…

The “The 1975″ Award – Minnesota Twins (56-33, 5 1/2 Game Lead in AL Central)

Never heard of the band known as The 1975? I almost didn’t because of their name. I mean, who names themselves after a year, especially one that sucked as bad as 1975? Anyway, I was stuck on the runway at DFW a few years ago and decided to give them a shot based on a friend’s recommendation, and surprisingly, the British band was pretty fucking good. If you’re looking for music to fire you up before you go beat the shit out of the neighbor kid for stealing your baseball cards, this isn’t it. But if you’re looking for tunes to put you in a good mood and perhaps soil your girlfriend’s bikini (in a good way), give them a shot.

Likewise, nobody had the Twins winning anything this year. Not the AL Central and definitely not 102 games, which is what they’re on pace to do after their first 89 tilts. How is this possible? Well, Jake Odorizzi no longer sucking balls is a good place to start, but it’s really the offense that is making October baseball outdoors in Minneapolis more than just a possibility. Their 509 runs scored so far is tied for the most in all of baseball, and their 166 home runs, 1,573 total bases, 489 RBI and .833 OPS are all tops in the bigs. Even perennial turd Jonathan Schoop has 14 home runs, and he’s by far the worst player on the roster. If Michael Pineda and Kyle Gibson learn how to pitch in the next few weeks, look the fuck out…

Wait, there’s more: Look How Much Fun They Had At The Cubs-White Sox Game Saturday Night

You have got to see this shit:

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