Dwight Gooden Is Having One Hell Of A Summer

oh boy

by Tommy Gimler

Yuge points for your Former Athletes Getting Arrested (FAGA) fantasy league team!

If you’ve only been arrested once in the last six weeks, you’re doing better than former Mets and Yankees pitcher Dwight Gooden. You see, kids, the former NL Cy Young Award winner is building a Hall of Fame resume for the criminally fucked, getting pinched for driving under the influence in Newark over the weekend, with that arrest coming just six weeks after police nabbed him for DUI and cocaine possession.

Now, the booger sugar arrest is one thing, but wait until you read how police found “Doctor K” after they saw him driving down the wrong way of a one-way street shortly after 11 p.m. From NJ.com:

Gooden was a “mess” when police found him near the Ironbound section of Newark, according to the New York Post. The paper cited a source who stated Gooden “peed himself” and told police he was diabetic. He was taken to University Hospital in Newark, according to the Post.

Gooden faces a charge of driving under the influence, according to a press release from the Newark Department of Public Safety.

Well, if “Doc” has any money left, then it’s going to be yet another big payday for his legal team. And if you’ve got the former big leaguer on your FAGA team, it’s going to payoff big time. Here’s how you score this fucker:

Your former athlete, in this case Dwight Gooden, got arrested: 1 point

Two arrests in less than two months: 2 points

Shock value – Getting pinched for snout candy isn’t that shocking. Dude’s been snorting lines of that shit since he was 12. But a former Cy Young Award winner pissing himself in Newark of all places? Yeah, didn’t see that one coming: 3 points

Weapons of choice – A 2012 black Chrysler, the small part of his brain that is still fuctioning and using his pants for a toilet: 2 points for variety

“Thug-O-Meter” (how gangster was the crime) – Rich white people on the East Coast do a shit ton of coke, too: minus 2 points

However, he’s doing so much blow and drinking so much booze that he’s making Darryl Strawberry look like Mother Teresa: 2 points

“Asshole Level” (Level 1 being Gandhi and Level 5 Jeffrey Dahmer) – If you’ve got enough money for cocaine, then you’ve got enough money to call an Uber. If you’re driving all fucked up, you’re an asshole. Then again, at least you’re not eating human jerky while you’re driving like a douche: 2 points

Total points for Dwight Gooden pissing himself during his second DUI arrest in six weeks: 10 points

DUD Analysis

Double. Fucking. Digits!

Look, this dude once told a judge in Florida that he needed to spend seven months in jail for the shit he did back then, and he’s obviously still the conductor of the bullet train that’s speeding straight toward hell. They say all good things come in threes, so make sure this fuck is in your starting lineup for the rest of the summer. Although, if another GM in your league is looking to get his hands on Doc, now is the time to trade him straight up for Lenny Dykstra…

Wait, there’s more: USA Today Released Their 2019 NFL Predictions And It’s Obvious That Most Of Their Writers Are Smoking Crack

You have got to see this shit:

And this shit:

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One Response to Dwight Gooden Is Having One Hell Of A Summer

  1. Ron says:

    I can’t stop laughing, fuck I just peed on myself.

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