Crappers In Sheboygan Will Be Safe This Independence Day Since The Serial Toilet Clogger Will Be In Jail

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by Frank Rhombus

Well, except for those prison shitters, I guess.

According to The Sheboygan Press, the 35-year-old turd who was clogging the women’s toilets in Sheboygan’s Deland Park as well as some of the crappers in his own workplace was sentenced to three years probation Monday. As part of that probation, Patrick D. Beeman will spend 150 days behind bars, pay over $5,500 in restitution and be required to complete 100 hours of community service.

Even worse? You guessed it – the dude can’t “possess or consume alcohol or any controlled substances” at any point over the next three years. I mean at that point, give me a new fucking attorney, am I right? Jail? Fine. But no booze or weed? Here I come, Mexico!

After receiving a complaint in 2017, police began investigating Beeman after a series of toilets in the Deland Community Center and nearby vicinity were found clogged by plastic bottles. A manager at a temp agency that had placed Beeman then spilled the beans that he had been doing the same shit at not one but two of the companies where they had placed him. Upon questioning him, officers said Beeman told them he “gets urges to do odd things.”

No shit.

There is good news for Beeman here, as he is somehow still employed and he’ll be able to continue working there courtesy of Wisconsin’s Huber program. According to his Facebook page (which is still up for some reason), he has quite a few favorite quotes. “Arrive raise hell leave,” “100% whoop ass,” “Is that the best you got because if it is you better quit,” “and “Hell yeah!!” are some dandies, but none of them really hit the mark quite as well as “Been there destroyed that.”

In a related story, this Sheboygan man just got his seventh OWI after police found him driving in a corn field:

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Plus, somebody in Sheboygan has yet to claim a $5.9 million lottery prize, and he or she has less than two weeks left to do so.

Our advice? You guessed it – don’t drink the tap water in Sheboygan…

Wait, there’s more: If Your Name Is Bobby Bonilla Then Today Is Your Favorite Day Of The Year

You have got to see this shit:

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