Yu Darvish, Who Sucks, Took Out Three People With One Terrible 99-MPH Fastball


by Tommy Gimler

Better teach this kid some control before he kills somebody.

If you haven’t been paying attention to the 2019 MLB season, we hear you. After all, it’s still younger than a girl R. Kelly likes to lock in his closet. So, here’s your quick update to get you up to speed: Christian Yelich is still hotter than two MILFs rubbing their naughty parts together in the back of an El Camino, and the Cubs are pig shit awful.

One of the reasons behind the Cubs’ early season struggles? Well, Yu Darvish being a giant sack of turds sure isn’t helping their cause. In the 17 2/3 innings that he’s managed to stay on the mound, Darvish has been wilder than a college freshman who just did his first line of booger sugar, walking 15 batters and plunking another two.

One of those two hit batters came Monday night in Miami, where dozens of fans on hand got to see Darvish do his best impression of the magic bullet that supposedly struck JFK, turned in mid-air and then somehow also got Governor Connally in the front seat of the presidential convertible. Watch as Darvish’s 99-MPH gas took out not only Marlins outfielder Lewis Brinson but also his catcher Wilson Contreras and home plate umpire Brian O’Nora:

Here it is again slowed down with that tracker shit they put on hockey pucks and tee shots these days:

Thankfully for Cubs fans, their beloved team was able to take the first two games of the series, and that probably has something to do with the fact that the Marlins once again suck balls. Although at this point, it’s hard to say who’s worse, them or Darvish…

Wait, there’s more: Here’s First Take’s Max Kellerman Coughing To Cover Up A Fart But You Can Still Hear The Fart

You have got to see this shit:

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