The 5 Best Lines From Yesterday’s Amazing Bleacher Report Article On The Dysfunctional Green Bay Packers

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by Tommy Gimler

The NFL’s trendiest storyline in 2019? You guessed it – massages.

In case you missed it, set aside about 20 minutes today for an epic deuce break so you can read one of the greatest sports pieces to ever come across my desk. It comes to us courtesy of Tyler Dunne at Bleacher Report, who spoke with “dozens of players, coaches and personnel men who shared time in Green Bay with Rodgers and McCarthy” – some of whom remained anonymous – about the shitshow the Packers became over the years as a result of things such as egomaniac quarterback Aaron Rodgers getting too butthurt by pretty much everyone and everything around him as well as former head coach and “buffoon” Mike McCarthy checking out to the point where he was slipping out of meetings to get massages.

If you can’t read, well, today’s the day to learn or give an elementary school kid 12 bucks to do it for you aloud. And in case you don’t have 20 minutes to spare for that poop sesh, here is what we thought were the five best lines from the article for you to chew on.

5. Rodgers would regularly call a person close to him to vent that McCarthy didn’t have a clue what he was doing.

He’d tell him that McCarthy frequently called the wrong play. That he used the wrong personnel. That they were running plays that worked one out of 50 times in practice. That McCarthy was a buffoon he was constantly bailing out.

“Mike has a low football IQ, and that used to always bother Aaron,” this source says. “He’d say Mike has one of the lowest IQs, if not the lowest IQ, of any coach he’s ever had.”

Adds a personnel man who worked for the Packers at the time: “He’s not going to respect you if he thinks he’s smarter than you.”

4. McCarthy seemed to be more and more checked out, leading many to sympathize with Rodgers.

About once a week, a meeting would start up and McCarthy was MIA. Players weren’t quite sure where he was while, for example, an assistant coach would run the team’s final prep on the Saturday before a game. Eventually, word leaked that McCarthy, the one calling plays on game day, was up in his office getting a massage during those meetings.

One player had the same massage therapist, and she let it slip that McCarthy would sneak her up a back stairway to his office while the rest of the team prepared for that week’s opponent.

“That was when guys were like, ‘What the heck?’” says one longtime Packer. “Everybody was like, ‘Really? Wow.’”

3. McCarthy loved anointing himself as a quarterback guru.

The coach often bragged to players about his time with Joe Montana…in Kansas City.

“He tried to bill himself as this quarterback master,” the player says. “It was like, ‘Buddy, I just want to let you know, Joe Montana did a lot more before he was in Kansas City.’”

McCarthy felt he was the one who created this monster of an offense. A personnel man adds: “That was McCarthy’s big mistake. He wanted to be The Guy. He wanted to be The Reason. And he wasn’t that good.”

2. Some around the Packers wonder if the absence of family is affecting Rodgers, if holding grudges has a negative effect on his psyche.

One former Packers personnel man describes him as someone who’s “really into his feelings,” who’s “not kind of sensitive—he’s real sensitive.” There are bad dudes in the NFL, he assures, and Rodgers is not one of them. But he’s different, he says. Not in the way Brady is, not ultraconsumed with winning. Just…”different.”

Every scrap of negative press, every perceived slight from a teammate, a coach, whoever, “bothers him to his core,” this source says, “It hurts him. … It’s like, ‘Dude. You’re Aaron Rodgers. Relax. People are trying to crown you as the greatest ever, and you’ve only won one Super Bowl.’ It’s so entrenched in his mind—that everybody’s against me—that he just can’t get over that.”

1. Thompson assumed the Packers system was automatic and he could just plug cheap rookies in. 

In the process, the Packers lost the leaders that Rodgers and McCarthy never were, never would be, and they never found replacements. Thompson wanted the Packers to stay young. In the process, he gutted the team of its heart and soul.

It got so bad, one player says, that offensive and defensive players almost never hung out off the field. Camaraderie was shot.

How Thompson failed to grasp this dynamic baffles people in the organization, although they also believe someone above Thompson should’ve stepped in because the GM’s health was deteriorating. One personnel man recalls Thompson moving “really slow,” with slurred speech, falling asleep during film sessions. “I’m like, ‘This is the GM?’” Thompson was dealing with obvious physical issues, and Mark Murphy, the team president since 2007, didn’t step in.

Chin up, Packers fans. I mean, it could always be worse. You could be a sidewalk here in San Francisco where the mayor, police officers and people who live here have no problem with the fact that other human beings are shitting all over them. A lot…

Wait, there’s more: Behold The Most Disturbing Tweet We Have Ever Seen

You have got to see this shit:

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