Soon-To-Be Unemployed Security Guard Slips And Nearly Ends Tiger’s Masters

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by Tommy Gimler

The golf gods apparently don’t want to see Tiger win his fifth green jacket.

Four-time Masters winner/notorious cheap fuck Eldrick Woods has found himself in the middle of a rather strange round at Augusta National today. Minutes after sinking his first birdie putt on the back at 11 and then sticking his tee shot a few feet from the pin at the par-3 12th, the emergency sirens blew in the background as lightning was spotted in the distance, seemingly killing any momentum the former Perkins waitress humper had just mustered.

When play resumed, Woods missed his birdie putt and settled for par at both the 12th and 13th. Then after hitting his tee shot at the 14th to the left, it seemed as if any chance Tiger had of catching the leaders on this day had vanished like a fart in the wind. But then Woods hit a remarkable second shot that landed about 15 feet from the pin. Woods kept his eye on it as he walked away, and why not? It was fucking majestic.

The exact opposite of majestic? You guessed it – this meathead security guard who decided that Woods was in need of protection despite the fact that nobody in the gallery got close to him, so much so that he sprinted along the wet grass, slipped and damn near took out his right ankle.

Geez, Facher. Take it easy. Don’t be shocked when you see this guy manning one of the fire exits at the Mark Webb Jr. concert tomorrow night instead of checking out some of the choice puss that has gathered at Augusta National to be part of Tiger’s flock.

Surprisingly, despite milking it all the way up the 14th fairway, Woods was able to gather himself and drill his birdie putt. If you were watching it all unfold on the four-letter, it was if you were watching golf’s equivalent to dating a bipolar broad. He would then birdie the 15th before finishing with three pars to remain one back of the leaders. All in all, it was a great day for Woods, although it had the potential to be much, much worse.

And speaking of worse, it doesn’t get any worse than this:

Green jacket, gold jacket, who gives a shit? Even the pros look like Brian Portz on the tee box sometimes…

Wait, there’s more: Unless You Too Took A Foul Ball To The Beanbag, Odds Are You Had A Better Night Than Gary Sanchez

You have got to see this shit:

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