It’s That Time Of Year When We Get To Watch Mel Kiper Jr. Dick Up The NFL Draft Again

mel kiper douchebag

by Tommy Gimler

It’s a tradition unlike any other. That’s right, kids. We’re talking about watching Mel Kiper make a complete ass out of himself at the NFL Draft.

If you thought meteorologists like Brian Gotter sucked balls at predicting what’s going happen, wait until tonight’s first round gets underway and Kiper’s incorrect picks begin piling up faster than that smug twat’s Jeopardy! winnings. Seriously, Kiper is so pig shit awful year in and year out at calling this thing that it’s time to call “The Bobs” into Bristol to ask him one question and one question only:

So here we go. It’s the only reason why we pay for an ESPN+ subscription. You know, so we can see Mel Kiper’s final mock draft and then mock the shit out of him when he’s almost as wrong as two cousins buttfucking in church. We’d probably tell you to drink a beer for every incorrect pick that comes across the ticker tonight, but to be honest, we don’t want to see you die…

1. Arizona Cardinals

Kiper says: Kyler Murray – QB, Oklahoma

Actual pick: Kyler Murray – QB, Oklahoma

Good for Mel on getting this one right, but let’s not start sucking his dick just yet. I mean, Kingsbury was on camera last year saying if he ever had a chance to take Murray at #1, he would do so. Despite the fact that Kiper loaded his dome with 18 pounds of grease, it didn’t have a negative effect on his decision making this time around…

2. San Francisco 49ers

Kiper says: Nick Bosa – DE, Ohio State

Actual pick: Nick Bosa – DE, Ohio State

Mel Kiper got the first two picks correct, and let’s be honest, when you’re getting paid six figures by Mickey Mouse to correctly predict the NFL Draft, you better be able to do so. It has happened before, and it will happen again. But if you find yourself thinking this could be the year where Kiper actually calls the top five picks correctly, take a seat on the short bus, brah. You’re a goddamn moron…

3. New York Jets

Kiper says: Quinnen Williams – DT, Alabama

Actual pick: Quinnen Williams – DT, Alabama

Three for three? Wow. Kiper better hope one of ESPN’s 89 cameras doesn’t cut to him punching his clown under the desk. The last time Kiper began a draft by correctly calling the first three picks was…Christ, I can’t find it…to hell with it. To say that we’re shocked at this point is a bigger understatement than me saying I’d like to hold Charlotte McKinney’s hand, as everybody knows I would eat fried zucchini out of her balloon knot, and I hate zucchini…

4. Oakland Raiders

Kiper says: Josh Allen – OLB, Kentucky

Actual pick: Clelin Ferrell – DE, Clemson

And boom goes the dynamite. It was only a matter of time before Kiper fucked up, and as is usually the case, this one was Samsonite: way off. Maybe the motor oil on top of his head finally seeped in and contaminated his brain, as Kiper had Ferrell on the board until the Pats got a turn to play at number 32. This call was so bad that there is the potential that none of his next 45 picks are correct. Let’s take another drink and hope so…

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Kiper says: Devin White – ILB, LSU

Actual pick: Devin White – ILB, LSU

Kiper and his bulletproof dome must be ready to burst through the top of the smug-o-meter right now. To be fair, nobody called the Raiders selecting Ferrell, not even anybody with the Raiders about 15 minutes ago. So the fact that Kiper has called every other pick correctly could mean that Kiper is back to trying to correctly call the draft instead of using his position to pump up his agent friend’s turd clients like Jimmy Clausen. He’s hitting at 80 percent right now, and we’re at a loss for words…

6. New York Giants

Kiper says: Ed Oliver – DT, Houston

Actual pick: Daniel Jones – QB, Duke

And we’re back, baby! Trey Wingo just had the stones to say that Kiper called it. Well, he didn’t call it. He said it would be Ed Oliver out of Houston. Sure, he might have said that the Giants would take him at 17, but they didn’t. They took him at six, so he’s wrong, bitch…

7. Jacksonville Jaguars

Kiper says: T.J. Hockenson – TE, Iowa

Actual pick: Josh Allen – OLB, Kentucky

Not even the same side of the ball. Classic Kiper, and we’re starting to feel good about how the rest of the night is shaping up…

8. Detroit Lions

Kiper says: Brian Burns – OLB, Florida State

Actual pick: T.J. Hockenson – TE, Iowa

I actually feel bad for Kiper on this one, as the last time the Lions reached for a tight end in the first round, it didn’t work out too well. Then it only got worse when Eric Ebron went to Indianapolis and went off like customer at a ghetto McDonald’s who felt like she got cheated on the number of Chicken McNuggets barbecue sauces she got in her to-go bag. Still, it’s another wrong pick for Kiper, bringing him down to 50 percent. While that number sucks balls for a draft “expert,” for Kiper, that percentage means that he’s knocking it out of the park tonight…

9. Buffalo Bills

Kiper says: Jonah Williams – OT/G, Alabama

Actual pick: Ed Oliver – DT, Houston

Say what you want about Ed Oliver falling down to number nine and the Bills taking perhaps the best player on the board, but it’s still a wrong pick. Here’s what Kiper said about the Bills at #9: “I wrote Wednesday that I just love the match between Williams and Buffalo. He could play guard or tackle.” That means if you actually read that post, it was nothing short of a massive waste of time…

10. Denver Broncos (traded to Steelers)

Kiper says: Dwayne Haskins – QB, Ohio State

Actual pick: Devin Bush – ILB, Michigan

The Broncos were so locked in to take Haskins and let him “learn” behind Joe Flacco that they traded away the opportunity to do…

11. Cincinnati Bengals

Kiper says: Devin Bush – ILB, Michigan

Actual pick: Jonah Williams – OT/G, Alabama

With numerous highly-ranked defenders still on the board, the Bengals chose the draft’s first offensive lineman:

via GIPHY

12. Green Bay Packers

Kiper says: Jawaan Taylor – OT, Florida

Actual pick: Rashan Gary – DE, Michigan

Kiper said that the Packers had a “sneaky” long-term need at right tackle. The Packers chose somebody on the other side of the ball that Kiper had on the board for another hour. Given that it’s Kiper who said the Packers should have taken Taylor, I think cheeseheads across the country should be thrilled that their beloved team did pretty much the exact opposite…

DUD Analysis of the First 12 Picks

We were pretty nervous about Kiper being a big bag of shit again this year after he nailed four of the first five picks. Thankfully, he wound up being a 200-pound bag of turds and then some after he delivered dick sandwich after dick sandwich the rest of the way through. The “best” NFL Draft pundit working at ESPN just hit on 33 percent of his predictions, which with all due respect, fucking blows…

Wait, there’s more: The Korean Broadcast Of Damian Lillard’s Game-Winner Will Put Some Hair On Your Ass

You have got to see this shit:

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