Breaking News: Brewers OF Christian Yelich Out For The Season After Breaking Tibia And Fibula Sliding Into Outfield Wall

christian yelich cycle

by Tommy Gimler

Milwaukee’s Christian Yelich can still plow my sister, but he won’t be humping anything other than a bottle of Vicodin after the crushing news that he broke his leg in several places during Monday night’s game against Cincinnati.

With the Brewers leading 4-3 in the bottom of the ninth, ass clown Yasiel Puig sent a slurve from Junior Guerra to the gap in right-center field. Because he’s an absolute stud, Yelich was able to run 80-some yards and put himself in a position to make a play on it, but any hope of that vanished like a fart in the wind when the lower-half of his right leg got caught against the wall mid-slide and then shattered like a porn star’s Oscar dreams the minute the cameraman hit record.

The Brewers wasted no time in letting their fanbase know that the reigning MVP was lost for the rest of 2019.

“Sorry, gang,” manager Craig Counsell said. “His leg is absolutely fucked. The good news is that we’ve got Corey Ray ready to step in and be our everyday right fielder. The dude hit .255 in spring training this year, so you know he’s the real deal.”

Centerfielder Lorenzo Cain was only a few feet away from Yelich and witnessed the gruesome injury to his right leg.

“Man, it was horrible,” Cain said. “I haven’t seen anything that awful since I caught a glimpse of Ryan Braun’s dick as he was walking out of the shower last August in Pittsburgh. I don’t know who he’s fucking when he’s on the road, but there’s a 73 percent chance its not human.”

Shortstop Orlando Arcia echoed his teammate’s concern.

“Zo hit it right on the head about Braunie’s pito, bro,” Arcia said. “It kind of looked like he had dipped his sack in some chili or something, bro. And then I unfortunately caught a glimpse of the head of the schlong, and I couldn’t tell if it was an infected mole or a chocolate chip. Sick shit, bro.”

“Yeah, but what about Christian Yelich being lost for the year?” asked subpar Brewers beat writer Tom Haudricourt.

“Sick shit there too, bro,” Arcia said.

Naturally, Brewers GM David Stearns said both the club and Yelich would wait until all the king’s men put his leg back together again before officially ruling him out for the remainder of the year. In the meantime, he was saying whatever he could to get Brewers fans’ minds off the fact that their 2019 season is now more fucked than Ray Liotta’s face.

“Tough break (no pun intended) for Yelich tonight,” Stearns said, “but I’d just like to reiterate to Brewers fans that we still have a lot to look forward to this season. For example, come on out to Miller Park on May 3rd, and the first 10,000 fans will go home with a short-sleeve T-shirt. Go Crew!”

Stearns also added that Hernan Perez will get the majority of playing time until Ray’s bus gets in from San Antonio.

***Editor’s Note: This was obviously an April Fool’s Day joke. If it took you this long to figure that out, we’re truly sorry that you’re mentally fucked…

Wait, there’s more: Here’s Every MLB Team’s 2019 Season Prediction In Just One Sentence

You have got to see this shit:

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