This Should Be Year Cubs Make It Back To World Series, Bro

murray cubs

by Rakesh the Intern

Look for thousands of pale white people on this Chicago North Side to be drunk and happy this summer, bro.

Check it out, bro. It’s no cricket, but this silly game of American baseball is pretty goddamn entertaining, bro. It is a sport where best player in game with name of fish can make more than 4,000 American dollars every hour starting now through the next 12 years (total of 834 trillion Rupee) despite not playing much in postseason. What a country, bro.

Anyway, boss asked me to look at every division in baseball this year and then put Rupee on win total overs and unders, and here is what I think is going to happen in NL Central, bro:

1. Chicago Cubs

Screen Shot 2019-03-19 at 7.44.19 PM

Check it out, bro. This Chicago Cubs team has averaged something like 97 wins every year Joe Maddon has been manager. So you go ahead and listen to fucking nerds at other website who crunch numbers like huge runaway elephant once crush Cousin Manoj in streets of Howrah (sad shit, bro), and pick them to finish last. Rakesh see best starting rotation in division, and last time I check, pitching is important in this silly game of American baseball. Most of core still intact from team than won World Series just a few years ago. Don’t drink Kool Aid, bro. This is year Cubbies make it back to Fall Classic, my friend…

2018 record: 95-68 (2nd place)

2019 DUD prediction: 93-69 (1st place)

Vegas says: 88.5 wins (t-1st place)

Bleacher Report says: 90-72 (1st place)

FanGraphs says: 88-74 (1st place)

2. Milwaukee Brewers

fat brewers fan

I’m telling you, bro. Last season for fat Brewers fans was more exciting than time I saw Uncle Rishabh walk from dinner table to shitter without help. Dude is like 400-pounder now. Can’t lay off the carbs, bro. Anyway, shit from pig manager Craig Counsell went to bullpen more last year than Cousin Gokul went to Spankbang.com. Poor guy has baby left arm and can’t get the poon, so he yanks penis to American girlies rubbing hump holes together at least four times a day. Sad shit, bro. And he’s on dial-up, too. Anyway, don’t expect this Brew Crew to go away, bro. There is still more juice in Brewers bats than in Peter North cock, and that is really saying something, bro…

2018 record: 96-67 (1st place)

2019 DUD prediction: 88-74 (2nd place)

Vegas says: 86.5 wins (3rd place)

Bleacher Report says: 83-79 (3rd place)

FanGraphs says: 83-79 (3rd place)

3. St. Louis Cardinals

cardinals

Listen, bro. You really have to give it to Cardinals organization, as they never really have shit from pig season anymore despite having not as much talent as previous years. Catcher Yadier Molina is something like 52 years old now, so we will have to see how that affects team. Watch for young arms like Reyes, Flaherty and Hicks to miss bats on frequent basis, and the addition of this Paul Goldschmidt is something that has Cubs and Brewers fans shitting pants if they haven’t done so already from six pack of Miller High Life. Sick shit, bro…

2018 record: 88-74 (3rd place)

2019 DUD prediction: 86-76 (3rd place)

Vegas says: 88.5 wins (t-1st place)

Bleacher Report says: 88-74 (2nd place)

FanGraphs says: 85-77 (2nd place)

4. Cincinnati Reds

rose

Look, bro. Very different Reds team this year than in years past. But those 400 or so people in attendance every night will still be asking, “Who the fuck is this guy?” every night when announcer says starting pitcher’s name. Watch for Yasiel Puig to miss first game of year after he accidentally starts driving toward Dodger Stadium instead of Cincinnati ballpark because he is dumb fuck, bro. I like this Matt Kemp, but he is not player he was when he was humping Rihanna. Reds will be better, but it’s still like most girls tell Rakesh after they see my massive bush of pubes: no thanks, bro…

2018 record: 67-95 (5th place)

2019 DUD prediction: 78-84 (4th place)

Vegas says: 79 wins (4th place)

Bleacher Report says: 81-81 (4th place)

FanGraphs says: 81-81 (4th place)

5. Pittsburgh Pirates

pirates

Look, bro. My boss say his favorite movie is this There’s Something About Mary, and he said there is a line in movie that perfectly sums up Pittsburgh Pirates. It’s when this Pat Healy guy tell Ben Stiller, “You had your window, Ted. You blew it.” Look for anybody with talent to be traded at deadline and plenty of seats available in PNC Park when Chicago and Milwaukee come to town in September, bro…

2018 record: 82-79 (4th place)

2019 DUD prediction: 75-87 (5th place)

Vegas says: 77.5 wins (5th place)

Bleacher Report says: 75-87 (5th place)

FanGraphs says: 79-83 (5th place)

Wait, there’s more, bro: Looks Like Yankees Will Beat Goat Piss Out Of Every AL East Team This Year, Bro

You have got to see this shit, bro:

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