NL West Could Once Again Be Tighter Than Gokul’s Anus This Year, Bro


by Rakesh the Intern

If this NL West is tight like anus, then AL West would be just like my ex-girlfriend Akansh’s legs: wide open, bro.

Check it out, bro. It’s no cricket, but this silly game of American baseball is pretty goddamn entertaining, bro. It is a sport where guy is shit from pig 70 percent of time and still make $80 million (1 billion Rupee) in the process. What a country, bro.

Anyway, boss asked me to look at every division in baseball this year and then put Rupee on win total overs and unders, and here is what I think is going to happen in NL West, bro:

1. Los Angeles Dodgers


Seriously, bro. If Rakesh had testicles, he would pick Dodgers to finish second place this year. Sadly, Rakesh just has massive bush of pubes covering tiny grapes, and I’ll so with Dodgers to win division again. Look, bro. Sources say this Clayton Kershaw’s arm is ready to fall off body, and other starter Rich Hill will get AARP card later this fall when he turn 50 years old. Sad shit, bro. Still, Dodgers are always in mix to make big trade when needed to fill hole on roster, and there is still big time talent at most position this year. Dodgers win NL West, but not by much, bro…

2018 record: 92-71 (1st place)

2019 DUD prediction: 91-71 (1st place)

Vegas says: 93.5 wins 

Bleacher Report says: 95-67 (1st place)

FanGraphs says: 93-69 (1st place)

2. Colorado Rockies


Check it out, bro. Rockies offense will once again be more potent than Cousin Deepak, and he has something like 19 kids now and he’s only 27. Crazy shit, bro. But when it comes to pitching, it seems as though this farting manager Bud Black has figured out how to do it mile high above sea level. Look for big year from Jon Gray and Kyle Freeland as well as this Marquez in starting rotation, and bullpen still seems to be just fine despite departure of Ottavino. Vegas says team will only win 84-85 games, but we think thugs there were too coked out of mind to make better decision of 90 wins, bro…

2018 record: 91-72 (2nd place)

2019 DUD prediction: 90-72 (2nd place)

Vegas says: 84.5 wins (2nd place)

Bleacher Report says: 86-76 (2nd place)

FanGraphs says: 81-81 (2nd place)

3. San Diego Padres


Can the Padres win the NL West this year, bro? Well, if you think so, it probably makes you crazier than Uncle Kunal, and we once caught that guy fucking a goat at family reunion. Still, look for big improvement in San Diego, but not just because of signing of huge asshole Machado. There is very good young talent on both pitching staff and in lineup that will provide big jump forward this year. I’m talking about guys like Tatis and Paddack, bro. Look them up, and then make bookie your bitch by hammering over on Padres win total, bro…

2018 record: 66-96 (5th place)

2019 DUD prediction: 85-77 (3rd place)

Vegas says: 78.5.5 wins (3rd place)

Bleacher Report says: 77-85 (4th place)

FanGraphs says: 79-83 (3rd place)

4. Arizona Diamondbacks


Good thing this stadium has pool in it, because team on field won’t be worth watching now that stud Paul Goldschmidt is in St. Louis and outfield A.J. Pollock is a Dodger. Sure, you might say, “Rakesh, this Arizona team still has that mind-fucked pitcher Zack Greinke,” but let’s be serious, bro. That is all they have going for them this year, bro…

2018 record: 82-80 (3rd place)

2019 DUD prediction: 74-88 (4th place)

Vegas says: 75.5 wins (4th place)

Bleacher Report says: 81-81 (3rd place)

FanGraphs says: 77-85 (4th place)

5. San Francisco Giants

giants fan

I’m telling you, bro. If Giants want to continue selling out stadium this year, they might have to give away tickets to million homeless people living outside of ballpark. There is no reason for Giants fans who once pay for tickets to see three World Series teams to fork over American dollars to see team made up of 34-year-old white guys and Brandon Belt. Could be one of the worst teams in all of baseball, bro…

2018 record: 73-89 (4th place)

2019 DUD prediction: 70-92 (5th place)

Vegas says: 73.5 wins (5th place)

Bleacher Report says: 66-96 (5th place)

FanGraphs says: 75-87 (5th place)

Wait, there’s more, bro: It Will Be Astros And Nobody Else In This AL West, Bro

You have got to see this shit, bro:

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