Looks Like Yankees Will Beat Goat Piss Out Of Every AL East Team This Year, Bro


by Rakesh the Intern

This Yankees bullpen is almost as formidable as my massive bush of pubic hair, bro.

Check it out, bro. It’s no cricket, but this silly game of American baseball is pretty goddamn entertaining, bro. It is a sport where players spend majority of time with thumb in asshole waiting for action and make $80 million (955 million Rupee) in the process. What a country, bro.

Anyway, boss asked me to look at every division in baseball this year and then put Rupee on win total overs and unders, and here is what I think is going to happen in AL East, bro:

1. New York Yankees


Listen, bro. This Yankees lineup is going to score like rest of league is my ex-girlfriend Akansh, and she was biggest slut in Howrah. Some nights it is going to be just like Cousin Anagi when she was in college. She would let something like 13 freshmen inside her at one time, and they would just jackhammer away on her. And she would keep doing this as if nothing bad was going to happen. Well, a short while later, her poon broke. Sad shit, bro. No team in division has pitching staff able to shut down this version Bronx Bombers, and all starting pitchers have to do is throw four good innings before bullpen comes in and finishes off curb stomping. Load and lock up on Yankees over this year, and watch them go all the way to World Series, bro…

2018 record: 100-62 (2nd place)

2019 DUD prediction: 103-59 (1st place)

Vegas says: 96.5 wins (1st place)

Bleacher Report says: 100-62 (2nd place)

FanGraphs says: 98-64 (1st place)

2. Boston Red Sox

League Championship Series - Boston Red Sox v Houston Astros - Game Five

Seriously, bro. Red Sox season was magical last year. For Boston fans, it must have felt like Rakesh first time girl at University of Toledo lick my taint. Felt real good, bro. Red Sox are still very good team, but hangover from last year’s title will set them back a little this year before they turn it up, make postseason and then lose to Yankees. Big question is whether or not this Dustin Pedroia can come back and play more than two game without going on DL because sick fuck Manny Machado takes him out at second base. Funny story already this spring is pitcher Steven Wright getting busted for PED use. He was shit from pig player using PEDs, so imagine how goat shit he would be if he just ate meat and potatoes, bro…

2018 record: 108-54 (1st place)

2019 DUD prediction: 93-69 (2nd place)

Vegas says: 94.5 wins (2nd place)

Bleacher Report says: 101-61 (1st place)

FanGraphs says: 94-68 (2nd place)

3. Tampa Bay Rays


If you would have said last year, “Hey Rakesh. What will you do if this Tampa Bay Rays team win 90 games?”, I would have said that I would have cut off my own cock and balls and then stuffed them down my own throat. Well, good thing nobody ask me that, bro. Manager Kevin Cash is top three manager in baseball and knows how to do whatever it takes to win game. It’s kind of like Uncle Omkar. When he needed win with bookie, he would just fix local Howrah cricket match. He’s in jail now, bro. And this year, Cash has actual starting pitchers on roster, so there will be no need to start fucking bullpen closer. Sick shit last year, bro! I think this Rays team wins 86 games this year, which should be higher than average amount of fans at shit from pig Tropicana Field, bro…

2018 record: 90-72

2019 DUD prediction: 86-76 (3rd place)

Vegas says: 84.5 wins (3rd place)

Bleacher Report says: 88-74 (3rd place)

FanGraphs says: 83-79 (3rd place)

4. Baltimore Orioles

chris davis

Let me tell you something, bro. If you say that you’re aware than Chance Sisco, Richie Martin, Renato Nunez and Cedric Mullins are all projected starters for the 2019 Baltimore Orioles, well, you are fucking liar, bro. Only reason to go to Orioles game this year is to watch first baseman Chris Davis set Major League record for strikeouts. This shit from pig player only hit .168 last year. Are you fist fucking me, bro? How does this guy still accept paycheck without feeling like scumbag Uncle Podlesh? That dude once opened my grandma’s purse, took all her Rupee and then took giant poop in it. Sick shit, bro. Anyway, no way this team is as bad as last year’s goat shit squad. They should be out of playoff race by June but still win more than 60 games, bro…

2018 record: 47-115 (shit from pig, last place)

2019 DUD prediction: 65-97 (4th place)

Vegas says: 59.5 wins (last place)

Bleacher Report says: 57-105 (last place)

FanGraphs says: 63-99 (last place)

5. Toronto Blue Jays


Seriously, bro. Why is nobody talking about how pig shit awful this Toronto Blue Jays team is going to be? They’re telling their best player to start year in minors, pitching staff is made up of goat shit players who wouldn’t even be in league if league only had 28 teams and third baseman is sucker of cock or whatever you call it in this country. If you think this team is going to win 75 games for their over to hit this year, well, you are crazier than Uncle Kunal, and we once caught that guy fucking goat at family reunion. Sick shit, bro…

2018 record: 73-89

2019 DUD prediction: 62-100 (last place)

Vegas says: 74.5 wins (4th place)

Bleacher Report says: 68-94 (4th place)

FanGraphs says: 76-86 (4th place)

Wait, there’s more: Bryce Is Nice In Philly But Nationals Win NL East This Year, Bro

You have got to see this shit:

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