It Will Be Astros And Nobody Else In This AL West, Bro

kate upton astros

by Rakesh the Intern

This could be year where Astros pitcher has just as many World Series rings as his wife does huge boobies, bro.

Check it out, bro. It’s no cricket, but this silly game of American baseball is pretty goddamn entertaining, bro. It is a sport where relief pitcher throw three pitches and then call hooker after away game and make $20 million (250 million Rupee) in the process. What a country, bro.

Anyway, boss asked me to look at every division in baseball this year and then put Rupee on win total overs and unders, and here is what I think is going to happen in AL West, bro:

1. Houston Astros

orbit astros mascot boner


Listen, bro. Even Verlander’s hot piece of poon isn’t as stacked as this team. Every position has potential All-Star playing there except catcher and fat fuck White at first base, bro. This Verlander, Cole are real deal 1-2 combo, and hitters like Springer, Altuve and Bregman should be able to pick up slack nights that guys like Wade Miley take mound. Plus, since rest of division is shit from pig, guys like Miley might actually be better pitcher on mound against any other goat shit arm other team puts out there. Load and lock up on Astros all year long, bro…

2018 record: 103-59 (1st place)

2019 DUD prediction: 107-55 (1st place)

Vegas says: 96.5 wins (1st place)

Bleacher Report says: 99-63 (1st place)

FanGraphs says: 95-67 (1st place)

2. Oakland Athletics

ALDS Tigers Athletics Baseball

Check it out, bro. This Athletics team is just like watching Midwest softball team. All these guys do is try to hit home run, bro. Well, when you look shit from pig starting rotation, they are going to have to hit home run on almost every at-bat to win game. I mean, Mike Fiers is your ace, bro? If you think a team like that is going to contend for division crown, well, you are crazier than Uncle Kunal, and we once caught that guy fucking a goat at family reunion. Sick shit, bro…

2018 record: 97-65 (2nd place)

2019 DUD prediction: 86-76 (2nd place)

Vegas says: 83.5 wins (2nd place)

Bleacher Report says: 84-78 (2nd place)

FanGraphs says: 82-80 (t-2nd place)

3. LA Angels of Anaheim


I’m telling you, bro. Good news for Angels fans is that this Mike Trout was signed to record contract extension and should be part of team for his entire career. That’s good news because he is best player in baseball. Boss always has him at top of list of guys who can plow his sister or some shit, bro. The bad news? You guessed it, bro – the rest of the team sucks shit, bro…

2018 record: 80-82 (4th place)

2019 DUD prediction: 79-83 (3rd place)

Vegas says: 82.5 wins (3rd place)

Bleacher Report says: 82-80 (3rd place)

FanGraphs says: 82-80 (t-2nd place)

4. Seattle Mariners


Check it out, bro. Rakesh almost put this team down to finish third place because there are still decent players at many positions and OK arms on pitching staff. But just glancing at team and saying they might have OK year would be more dangerous than Cousin Manoj not looking both ways before crossing street in Howrah. That laziness was deadly on that day, as runaway elephant crushed him from the right. Sad shit, bro. Closer look reveals severe lack of good pitching and three or four holes that not even this Peter North could fill, bro…

2018 record: 89-73 (3rd place)

2019 DUD prediction: 75-87 (4th place)

Vegas says: 71.5 wins (4th place)

Bleacher Report says: 74-88 (4th place)

FanGraphs says: 73-87 (4th place)

5. Texas Rangers


Let me tell you something, bro. Picking this Rangers team to finish in dead last is easier than my ex-girlfriend Akansh, and she was biggest slut in Howrah, bro. Even Cousin Gokul and his baby arm got a piece of that shit. Starting pitching staff looks like collection of guys whose arms may have fallen off body at least once during their career. Last time I checked, that is not a good thing in this silly game of American baseball, bro.  Tough year for Rangers fans, bro…

2018 record: 67-95 (5th place)

2019 DUD prediction: 72-90 (5th place)

Vegas says: 71-91 (5th place)

Bleacher Report says: 64-98 (5th place)

FanGraphs says: 71-91 (5th place)

Wait, there’s more, bro: Worst Division In Baseball Is This AL Central, Bro

You have got to see this shit, bro:

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