How To Make Sure Your March Madness Bracket Isn’t Absolutely Dicked After The First Weekend, Bro

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by Rakesh the Intern

Rule #1: If your team’s best player is damn near seven feet tall and can’t dunk, they’re not getting out of the first weekend, bro.

Hopefully that tip as well as these other gems will aid you in taking home whatever illegal monetary prize is waiting for you when your bracket is top dog, my friend:

Rule #2: Sign up for our free DUD March Madness Bracket Challenge, bro.

It’s free, bro, and you win 69 American dollars (not Rupee) if yours is the best one at the end of the Madness. Click here to sign up!

Rule #3: At least one of the First Four winners that isn’t a 16-seed will also win their first real game, bro.

Since the NCAA introduced the First Four in 2011, half of the teams that weren’t a 16-seed won their next game as well, bro. In 2011, VCU even made it all the way to the Final Four, wrecking both these brackets and panties in one of most improbable tourney runs of all time. What does it all mean for you, my friend? If you don’t take either of the non-16s First Four winners to win their next game, you’re crazier than Uncle Kunal and we once caught that guy fucking goat at family reunion, bro. Homeless guy outside Ralph’s said watch out for Belmont this year, bro…

Rule #4: For love of this Christ, bro. Do not take a Big Ten school to win this tourney.

No Big Ten school has won NCAA Tournament since Bill Clinton was putting cigar in intern pussy, bro. Sure, this Michigan team went to championship game last year and Wisconsin did the same three years ago, but fact is that this conference is still weaker than Cousin Gokul’s billiards game. Dude has baby left arm. Girlies watch him try to line up cue and they all laugh. “Not getting this poon, Gokul,” they all say. Sad shit, bro. And speaking of sad, that is what your bracket will be if you take Big Ten school to win whole thing. Just one sad shit from pig piece of paper, bro…

Rule #5: Do not advance a double-digit seed past the Sweet Sixteen, bro.

I know what you say, bro. You say this Loyola-Chicago team went all the way to Final Four last year as an 11-seed, so why wouldn’t that happen again? Well, don’t be idiot, bro. Since 2010, 20 teams with double-digit seed have made it to the Sweet Sixteen. Do you know how many made it to Elite Eight? Four, bro. Show hot account coordinator in office with huge titties that you have your shit together and only take single-digit seeds to make group of final eight teams, bro…

Rule #6: Duke sucks balls at three-pointers, bro.

Check it out, bro. Since thugs from Michigan State won it all in 2000, no team has won championship shooting worse than 32.9 percent with their three-pointers, bro. That team was the 2011 UConn squad. Out of 351 Division 1 men’s teams this year, Duke was shit from pig 333rd in three-point percentage, only hitting 30.6 percent. Does this mean you should not take Duke to win whole tourney this year? Probably, bro, especially when you throw in fact that they are also pure goat shit from free-throw line, my friend…

Rule #7: Winner of ACC Tournament will not win NCAA Tournament, bro.

I’m telling you, bro. More bad news for this Duke team. As of this writing, more than 40 percent of brackets over at this four-letter challenge had Duke as their national champion. They are going to wish they hadn’t done that, my friend. In last eight NCAA Tournaments, the winner of ACC Tournament has been sent home without jacket or piece of net or big paycheck from booster for winning it all. Maybe it is because team is too tired from playing too many games, bro. Whatever the shit is, bro, Rakesh is telling you to jump off this Zion Williamson dick and go with somebody else for national champion. Good luck, bro…

Wait, there’s more, bro: Is This Joakim Noah Blowing Kisses At A Fan Or Just Some Homeless Dude In A Grizzlies Jersey?

You have got to see this shit, bro (Wait for it, bro):

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