Here’s Every MLB Team’s 2019 Season Prediction In Just One Sentence

all rise

by Tommy Gimler

Here’s the perfect article if you only have five minutes to get ready for baseball.

The greatest day of the year is upon, kids. That’s right, it’s finally Opening Day of the 2019 MLB season. I mean, unless of course you’re actually counting the two games they played last week in Japan, but you wouldn’t want to do that because it would make you a gigantic asshole.

Any crap, here’s one sentence to describe each team’s 2019 outlook:

NATIONAL LEAGUE

Atlanta Braves - The Braves’ starting rotation looks to be more busted up than Hope Solo’s hump hole. Prediction: UNDER 86.5 wins

Philadelphia Phillies - This is the most excited Phillies fans have been since they were overtaken in the syphilis department by the Detroit Tigers faithful. Prediction: OVER 89.5 wins

New York Mets - This year’s squad looks to be remembered for their play on the field rather than leading the NL in cases of hand, foot & mouth disease off of it. Prediction: OVER 85.5 wins

Miami Marlins - It looks like Opening Day is where the first 20,000 “fans” in attendance will go home with a free Marlins car flag, which is perfect if you want everybody on the ride home to know that you’re a fucking loser. Prediction: Way the fuck UNDER 63.5 wins

Washington Nationals – Our guess is that that crazy-eyed fuck Max Scherzer is going to rally his teammates this season in what will later become known as the “Bryce Harper Can Suck A Big Black Cock” campaign. Prediction: OVER 88.5 wins

Chicago Cubs – A healthy Kris Bryant seems pretty pumped about shoving his Louisville Slugger up the rest of the NL Central’s balloon knot. Prediction: OVER 88.5 wins and World Series champions

Milwaukee Brewers – A small step back for the Brew Crew in 2019, but it’ll all be worth it when they win the World Series in 2020. Prediction: UNDER 86.5 wins

St. Louis Cardinals – Forget Bryce Harper, as the biggest name to land in a new ballpark this offseason was Paul Goldschmidt, and honestly, that fucking blows. Prediction: OVER 88.5 wins

Cincinnati Reds – Yasiel Puig wants to play in Cincinnati about as much as I want to get penetrated by Lexington Steele. Prediction: UNDER 79 wins

Pittsburgh Pirates – If you thought Pirates home game tickets were easy to get last year, wait until this June when they’re already 10 games out of first. Prediction: UNDER 77.5 wins

Los Angeles Dodgers – Clayton Kershaw is going to make $31 million this year for pitching in 8 games. Prediction: UNDER 93.5 wins

Colorado Rockies - The Rockies offense will once again be almost as powerful as a Peter North cum shot. Prediction: OVER 84.5 wins

San Diego Padres – You might not know who in the hell these guys are taking the mound for the Padres right now, but you will, bitch. Prediction: OVER 78.5 wins

Arizona Diamondbacks – It’s hard to tell at this point which is more fucked, Steven Souza’s leg or the entire 2019 Diamondbacks season. Prediction: UNDER 75.5 wins

San Francisco Giants – An outfield consisting of Mac Williamson, Steven Duggar and Austin Slater is perfect if you’re trying to finish with the worst record in baseball history. Prediction: Way the fuck UNDER 73.5 wins

AMERICAN LEAGUE

New York Yankees – If the Yankees don’t win the AL East this year, it’ll be a bigger disappointment than Zoolander 2Prediction: OVER 96.5 wins and AL Pennant winners

Boston Red Sox – Getting shithoused and having hump sessions with Massachusetts hookers every night after home games will finally take a toll on this team sometime around July. Prediction: UNDER 94.5 wins

Baltimore Orioles – The 1988 Baltimore Orioles started the season 0-21, and that record is in serious jeopardy thanks to this year’s collection of shitdicks the franchise is throwing out there. Prediction: UNDER 59.5 wins

Toronto Blue Jays – Vlad Guerrero Jr. apparently has obliques he can injure, which is a shame because he’s one of only two or maybe three Blue Jays who don’t blow. Prediction: UNDER 74.5 wins

Tampa Bay Rays – Nobody does more with less than an Asian porn star, but Rays manager Kevin Cash is a close second, and that’s why the Rays will once again overachieve in 2019. Prediction: OVER 84.5 wins

Cleveland Indians – Nobody has a better starting three in the AL than Cleveland, and unless all three of them injure their throwing arms in a team-building circle jerk, no other team in the division is going to top the Tribe. Prediction: OVER 90.5 wins

Minnesota Twins – Vegas says the Twins are going to win 84.5 wins despite a pitching staff that rots worse than my boxer briefs after a five-mile run, and since we don’t know why the number is that high, we’re going to assume they know something we don’t and hammer the over. Prediction: OVER 84.5 wins

Kansas City Royals - The Royals have three guys on their roster who could legitimately steal 50 bases each, but the question is whether or not manager Ned Yost will find a way to fuck that up. Prediction: OVER 69.5 wins

Chicago White Sox – If the year was 2021, we’d be talking about the South Siders being title contenders, but it’s not. Prediction: UNDER 74.5 wins

Detroit Tigers – If heroin, syphilis and bullets aren’t already running the streets of Detroit, they sure as shit will be this summer when Tigers fans realize their team is so bad that there’s nothing else to turn to. Prediction: Way the fuck under 68.5 wins

LA Angels of Anaheim – Mike Trout can plow my sister, but the rest of the team cannot. Prediction: UNDER 82.5 wins

Seattle Mariners - Losing both your best pitcher and hitter during the same offseason sucks, but this team is going to be far less shitty than people think. Prediction: OVER 71.5 wins

Oakland A’s - When Mike Fiers is the ace of your pitching staff, the under for your win total looks tastier than my wife’s yams. Prediction: UNDER 83.5 wins

Texas Rangers – Since that cokehead Ron Washington left the organization, the Rangers have been almost as worthless as a dick dome made from Swiss cheese. Prediction: UNDER 71 wins

Houston Astros – Dear God: Next time around I’d like to be Justin Verlander. OVER 96.5 wins

Wait, there’s more: NL West Could Once Again Be Tighter Than Gokul’s Anus This Year, Bro

You have got to see this shit:

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