Bryce Is Nice In Philly But Nationals Win NL East This Year, Bro

Philadelphia Phillies' Bryce Harper Workout

by Rakesh the Intern

Beating Marlins this year is going to be easier than my ex-girlfriend Akansh, and she was biggest slut in Howrah, bro.

Check it out, bro. It’s no cricket, but this silly game of American baseball is pretty goddamn entertaining, bro. It is a sport where fat ass 300-pound third baseman can chew on flower seed while playing the game and pocket $80 million (955 million Rupee) in the process. What a country, bro.

Anyway, boss asked me to look at every division in baseball this year and then put Rupee on win total overs and unders, and here is what I think is going to happen, bro:

1. Washington Nationals

max scherzer

Seriously, bro. Do not worry about this Bryce Harper and his fucked-up haircut going north to Philadelphia, bro. Best pitcher in game is this crazy-eyed fuck Max Scherzer, and he still wears Nationals uniform. This is year I think Stephen Strasburg does not injure his pussy, and along with new addition Patrick Corbin, this team will feature the best rotation in National League, my friend. Manager Dave Martinez says that he wants shortstop Trea Turner to steal 75-80 bases this year, so it sounds like he is faster than my Cousin Manoj. Slow fuck was crushed by runaway elephant in streets of Howrah. Look right first, bro! Anyway, Nationals make it all the way to NLCS this year, bro…

2018 record: 82-80 (2nd place)

2019 DUD prediction: 92-70 (1st place)

Vegas says: 88.5 wins (2nd place)

Bleacher Report says: 91-71 (2nd place)

FanGraphs says: 90-72 (1st place)

2. Philadelphia Phillies


Let me tell you something, bro. This lineup is scarier than seeing Uncle Rishabh naked. Dude is like 400-pounder now. Can’t lay off the carbs, bro. Anyway, the additions of Harper, McCutchen, Segura and Realmuto to go along with big bats of Hoskins and Franco (who is no longer fat fuck this season) make the Phillies lineup one of the best in entire game of baseball. I do like this Aaron Nola as pitcher, but rest of starting rotation sucks worse than Cousin Gokul at billiards, bro. Dude has baby left arm, so he either has to shoot with this thing or just let it dangle while he tries to hit cue ball one-handed. Either way, he sucks shit, bro. Look for nice season from Phillies this year and then probably World Series in 2020, bro…

2018 record: 80-82 (3rd place)

2019 DUD prediction: 87-75 (2nd place)

Vegas says: 89.5 wins (1st place)

Bleacher Report says: 82-80 (4th place)

FanGraphs says: 86-76 (2nd place)

3. New York Mets


Listen, bro. Mets fans have something to be excited about this year. For starters, statistics show that it is almost impossible for this Noah Syndergaard to get hand, foot and mouth disease for second year in row. I know that some parts of Queens resemble streets of Howrah with shit and piss in streets, but this Thor guy should be just fine. Jacob deGrom is also solid pitcher, bro. I look at this team and think, “Bro, this team might finish 81-81 this year.” But then I see that thugs in Vegas have their win total at 85.5, and you know fix has to be in. Load and lock up on the over here, and let’s hope this Robinson Cano does not get busted cheating this time around, bro…

2018 record: 77-85 (4th place)

2019 DUD prediction: 86-76 (3rd place)

Vegas says: 85.5 wins (4th place)

Bleacher Report says: 87-75 (3rd place)

FanGraphs says: 84-78 (t-3rd place)

4. Atlanta Braves

the freeze braves game

Check it out, bro. Most exciting thing about Braves this year will be watching this Freeze guy chase down drunk fucks pulled from stands and asked to run fast. Coming off spectacular year, Braves front office say, “Hey, let’s make sure our starting rotation is shit from pig in 2019.” Half of starters are already injured and two bullpen arms also have fucked elbows or shoulders. If you asked me to bet thousand Rupee on whether Braves win more than 86.5 games this year or Cousin Gokul gets a piece of poon, I’m going to put it on Gokul getting pussy, bro. Especially if that Akansh is in town. She would even let Gokul and his baby arm get piece. Any way, Braves suck this year even with addition of Donaldson. Maybe next year they realize they need pitchers to win, bro…

2018 record: 90-72 (1st place)

2019 DUD prediction: 79-83 (4th place

Vegas says: 86.5 wins (3rd place)

Bleacher Report says: 95-67 (1st place)

FanGraphs says: 84-78 (t-3rd place)

5. Miami Marlins


I’m telling you, bro. This Marlins team has chance to be worst team in history of baseball. We think they don’t win their 15th game until June 3rd. It’ll happen at home stadium that was built after former crook owner duped public out of hundreds of millions of dollars with 46 people in attendance, bro. Keep an eye on this JT Riddle at shortstop. He’s pure goat shit, bro. So far this spring, one hit in 21 at-bats. Cousin Gokul has better luck when it comes to humping girlies. If you think this team is going to lose less than 100 games, well, you’re crazier than Uncle Kunal, and we once caught that guy fucking goat at family reunion. Sick shit, bro…

2018 record: 63-98 (5th place – did everybody favor and only played 161 games, bro)

2019 DUD prediction: 57-105 

Vegas says: 63.5 wins (5th place)

Bleacher Report says: 55-107 (5th place)

FanGraphs says: 62-100 (5th place)

Wait, there’s more: The Eagles’ Lane Johnson Makes Hysterical Giant Condom Joke While Saying Goodbye To Big Dick Nick Foles

You have got to see this shit:

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