5 Bold Predictions For The NCAA Tournament’s Opening Round

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by Tommy Gimler

Are you mad yet, brah?

The greatest four days of basketball of the year are about to tip off, and since the majority of college basketball “fans” are going to be watching the sport for the first time all year, we decided to leave you with these five bold predictions to help make you sound like less of an ass clown while you’re chatting it up at Buffalo Wild Wings.

5. Old Dominion will not beat Purdue.

The Sports Gambling Podcast’s Colby Dant and I both liked the Monarchs of Old Dominion to upset the Boilermakers of Purdue on our Monday DUDCast, but that was before we noticed that so did everybody else. And by everybody, I mean every fucking body. As of this writing, the Monarchs to cover was getting hammered harder than a hooker inside a college frat house by a whopping 80 percent of bettors while 73 percent of bettors took them to outright win. Sure, saying a 14-seed isn’t going to beat a 3-seed doesn’t seem like a bold prediction, but we just might be saving your illegal office bracket and your kid’s college fund here…

4. Leonard Hamilton will have his Florida State players fouling like nobody’s fucking business if they’re down in the final seconds.

Odds are you may have forgotten about it because that’s what you do as sports fans, but we sure as fuck didn’t. Down 4 points to Michigan last year in the Elite Eight with a trip to the Final Four on the line, Hamilton decided not to foul a terrible free-throw shooting Michigan team despite the fact that there were still 11 seconds left on the clock. Why didn’t he foul? “The game was over,” he yelled at CBS Sports reporter Dana Jacobsen. Maybe. And maybe it was that he was in on a fix since Michigan was favored by 4.5 points and was the overwhelming favorite play amongst bettors.

Hamilton would later apologize for being an absolute turd to Jacobsen, but he’ll make sure he doesn’t have to answer that question again this year when he fouls all the way until the final second ticks off the clock…

3. Belmont will curb stomp Maryland.

There haven’t been many teams in the history of the NCAA Tournament worse than Maryland that were awarded with a seed as high as #6. Minnesota a few years back at #5 quickly comes to mind, but other than that, the selection committee really dicked it up here. Nobody in the field of 68 had a worse turnover margin in the regular season than the Terps, and that’s a bigger problem than waking up next to Charlie Sheen when you’re going up against a team as potent on offense as Belmont. Scott Van Pelt is going to be butthurt after watching his beloved Turtles shit the bed, but you won’t if you throw a nickel down against them…

2. Jim Boeheim won’t piss himself during this year’s tourney.

There are many a cocksucker out there who rag on the Syracuse head coach for using his khakis as a courtside toilet, but cut him some slack, kids. The dude is a prostate cancer survivor and still living large at the age of 74. No, the reason Boeheim won’t piss himself during this year’s tourney will be because he won’t have many opportunities to do so after the Orange lose their opening round game against Baylor…

1. Duke will not win the NCAA Tournament.

It doesn’t mean the refs won’t try to make it happen, but you still have time to take the Blue Devils off the championship pedestal if you’re one of the millions of people who have them there. No team who shoots the 3-ball as poorly as Duke has won the NCAA Tournament in the last 20 years. UConn won in 2011 despite shooting just 32.9 percent from beyond the arc, but this year’s Duke team is much more pig shit awful than that, coming it at 30.2 percent. That’s the worst mark amongst all of this year’s tourney teams. Combine that with their piss poor free-throw shooting, and you’ve got a recipe for a disaster that’s worse than Ray Liotta’s face.

Good luck, kids…

Wait, there’s more: Sign Up For The DUD Bracket Challenge Where The Best Bracket Gets $69, Bro!

You have got to see this shit:

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