Make Bookie Your Bitch Big Time With These Super Bowl Prop Bets, Bro

Rakesh

by Rakesh the Intern

Can’t wait for this glorious day of American football and 18 different bags of Doritos at party, bro.

Check it out, bro. Study shows fat Americans will eat about 30 million pounds worth of snacks today, and that’s not even taking into account Uncle Rishabh. Dude is like 400-pounder now, and there is no Super Bowl Sunday feast where we’re from in Howrah. Although, it is safe to say he treats every day like Super Bowl Sunday and eats his family into poor house. Sad shit, bro.

Anyway, my friend, let’s finish year by making bookie our bitch yet again and pocket enough Rupee to have feast of hookers tonight. Here is what I am thinking for tonight’s game, bro:

Will the team that scores last win the game? – YES (-170)

Let me tell you something, bro. This one is easier than my ex-girlfriend Akansh, and she was biggest slut in Howrah. Even Cousin Gokul and his baby left arm got piece of that poon. Team that has scored last has won nine of last 10 Super Bowls. Now I’m not math major and I took zero math class at Toledo in my seven years there, but 90 percent seem like good number. It’s like if nine out of 10 girlies reject Rakesh because of my massive pube bush, then I would bet on next girl rejecting me as well. Well, unless she is drunk, bro…

Coin Toss – Tails (-105)

Look, bro. Much like whether or not Rakesh shits pants after Taco Bell, you have 50-50 shot in this one, my friend. Last time Super Bowl was in Atlanta, coin toss was tails. Before heads toss last year, toss went tails for four straight years. Last time tails had four year run interrupted by year of heads, the following Super Bowl saw tails. You know Rakesh, bro. He like trends, so I am going with tails in this one, bro…

Will team that wins the coin toss win the game? YES (-105)

Listen, bro. Last four teams that have won Super Bowl coin toss have lost game. Sooner or later, the opposite is going to happen. It remind me of Cousin Anagi in college. She would let something like 13 freshmen inside her at once and jackhammer away. And she would keep doing this as if nothing bad was going to happen. Well, a short while later, her poon broke. Sad shit, bro. She is patched up now she says, but I don’t know. Sounds like hot dog in hallway situation. Take yes in this one, bro…

Will Ray Lewis murder somebody in Atlanta again? NO (-10000)

I’m telling you, bro. Sometimes a human being and a town just don’t get along. Look at Cedric Benson and Austin, Texas. Look at this Pacman Jones and Cincinnati. Look at this Richie Incognito and, well, pretty much every town in America, bro. Last time this Ray Lewis was in Atlanta for Super Bowl, he got away with murder of two guys because like you say in this country, money talks and shit of bull walks. Even though Rakesh think this guy is still giant bag of goat shit for a human being, something tell me he’ll be a little more careful this time around. Easy hundred dollar here if you can find 10 grand and a casino to take the bet, bro…

Will score be tied at any point after 0-0? YES (-110)

Check it out, bro. In 7 of last 10 Super Bowls, the game was never tied at any point after one team put points on board. However, bro, in three of last four Super Bowls, that tie after 0-0 has happened. What does that tell Rakesh? Don’t be idiot like Cousin Manoj and walk into street without looking both left and right first. You will sadly get crushed by runaway elephant sometimes. Sad shit, bro. Be smart. New NFL always has close game, and game will likely be tied at some point after first score, bro…

Total successful field goals for Rams in first half – OVER 0.5 (-125)

Listen, bro. This one is almost as simple as Cousin Harish, and he was born with just three-quarter brain. Rams have kicked first half field goal in nine of last 10 games. Don’t be dipshit and bet against this one. There is reason why you have to pay for “Yes” here, and it’s because it is going to happen, bro…

Will any touchdown be overturned by replay? YES (+155)

Are you fucking me with fist on this one, bro? Have you been watching the NFL for last two years, bro? Every touchdown gets reviewed by rule, and maybe it is just Rakesh’s pot blueberry kicking in, but I feel like a touchdown gets overturned every quarter much less in every game. This one could hit in first quarter, bro. Load and lock up on yes, bro…

Total quarterback sacks in game for both teams – OVER 3.5 (-150)

Check it out, bro. The media in this country has been all over Tom Brady and his offensive line like Akansh on dick. Everyday I hear how Patriots have not given up sack all postseason. Seriously, bro. I feel like I hear this minute I wake up from magical night with hooker. At this point, if you are still trusting national media, you are crazier than Uncle Kunal, and we once caught that guy fucking a goat at family reunion. Sick shit, bro. Easily four sacks in this one, probably in first half, bro…

And because I have to, bro. I’ll take Rams (+2.5), OVER 56 and OVER first half points (27). Good luck, bro…

Wait, there’s more: Bulls Broadcaster Stacey King Is Apparently A Boob Guy

You have got to see this shit:

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