Coast-To-Coast Old Guy Report – Robert Kraft Does Hookers, Don Nelson Does Weed

kraft nelson

by Tommy Gimler

Take a guess which one of these guys is worth $6.6 billion.

East Coast – Bob Kraft

According to the Associated Press, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft was charged with misdemeanor solicitation of prostitution today, one of 25 people to be charged by police in Jupiter, Florida in what they’re calling an ongoing investigation into a local massage parlor.

Police added that they have video proof of Kraft inside the spa, a video that – for everybody’s sake – hopefully never sees the light of day. A spokesperson for Kraft said he “categorically denies” Mr. Kraft engaged in any “illicit activity.”

The DUD’s Take

The dude is 77 years old. If he wants to shell out an extra 20 bucks for a rim job at a massage parlor, who fucking cares? What’s he supposed to do at this point, take a girl out for a couple of dinners and shows and then see if she’ll do it? Fuck that. Time is a factor for Kraft at this point. The biggest surprise from this story? You guessed it – Tiger Woods was not one of the 25 guys arrested in the sting…

West Coast – Don Nelson

Former Golden State Warriors head coach and NBA lifer Don Nelson was back with his old team for some reason this week. What’s he been doing since he left basketball for Hawaii? Well, smoking the devil’s lettuce. A lot of it. If the above picture of him looking like one of the Beach Boys on meth didn’t give you that impression, well, him flat out telling everybody that he’s been all over the herb like a Kardashian on a black guy should do the trick:

In case you don’t recognize him anymore, here’s what he used to look like next to the 2019 version:

The DUD’s Take

There must be no weed left in Hawaii. By the looks of things, Don Nelson has smoked it all up. So maybe he’s really back in California to replenish his stash. Either way, good for him. 10 years ago, he looked like a massive heart attack was going to take him out. Now? Our guess is the oddsmakers in Vegas would say he has a better chance of meeting his maker by either falling off his porch or stumbling into oncoming traffic as a result of being higher than a motherfucker…

Wait, there’s more: Sometimes You Lose Your Fantasy Football League And Have To Walk Through A Dog Park Covered In Peanut Butter

You have got to see this shit (thanks, Mike Gemme!):

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