What 5 Teams Could Jason Garrett Get Offers From If He Was On The Market?

NFL: Dallas Cowboys at St. Louis Rams

by Tommy Gimler

Now that Mike McCarthy is out of Green Bay, Jerry Jones is back to being the NFL’s biggest buffoon outside of the commissioner’s office.

Speaking on 105.3 The Fan Tuesday morning, Jones went full retard and said that Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett definitely would have had offers from other teams had he been available several weeks ago. In fact, not one, not two, but five teams apparently would have loved to get their hands on a guy who once iced his own kicker, according to Jerruh.

“If Jason Garrett had been out on the market two weeks ago, he would have had five offers for head coaching,” Jones said. “I know that.”

Really, Jerry? Five teams would have made an offer to this guy? Fine, we’ll play your game. After 12 minutes of research, here are five teams that probably would have made an offer to Garrett had he been available two weeks ago:

5. Cincinnati Bengals

If you’re looking for perhaps the only NFL team that rewards mediocrity more than the Cowboys, it’s the Cincinnati Bengals, who held on to Marvin Lewis for 16 fucking seasons despite missing the postseason in nine of them and going winless every time the sun actually shined on the dog’s ass. Not only does Garrett have two postseason wins on his resume, but he’s also won more than half of his career challenges. That’s the kind of stuff that will make you a lock for the Cincinnati Football Hall of Fame…

4. Montreal Alouettes

The Alouettes haven’t finished with a winning record since 2012, so they’d probably let anything with a pulse coach their pig shit awful squad in 2019 as long as he can tinker right around .500. And last we checked, Garrett has a pulse and keeping his team close to the .500 mark is his specialty, so much so that he should seriously think about getting that maneuver trademarked…

3. Austin Acoustic

Nobody gives a shit what your record is in the Legends (Lingerie) Football League, as everybody who watches the game is a winner. It would be a really smart move for the Acoustic, too. I mean, since Garrett used to coach for the Cowboys, ESPN would set up shop outside every game and dedicate at least 15 minutes of every program to talk about him. And all of that coverage would be huge for the Acoustic since nobody knows that they exist right now…

2. Washington Redskins

If Dan Snyder is truly trying to make Washington the most loathed team in the game, then bringing Garrett onboard to lead them would really sweeten the deal. Then – if he really wanted to go all in – he could do so by making Stephen A. Smith the team’s radio play-by-play guy and putting Warren Sapp in charge of the cheerleaders…

1. Dallas Cowboys

At this point, Jerry Jones seems like the kind of idiot who would fire Garrett and then make him an offer the next day to coach the Cowboys. Why? No fucking clue, which are three words Cowboys fans have been using quite a bit over the last 20 years when trying to explain the majority of Jones’ GM decisions…

Wait, there’s more: Does This Look Like A Woman Who Put Her Girlfriend’s Dog In The Microwave After The Eagles Lost?

You have got to see this shit:

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