NFL Playoffs And College Football Championship Are Great Time To Make Bookie Your Bitch In New Year, Bro

Rakesh

by Rakesh the Intern

Nothing better to celebrate new year with than hooker that is paid for with gambling Rupee, bro.

This is what you’ll need to do if you want dream of hooker in your mom’s basement with you tonight to happen, bro:

NFL

Indianapolis (+2) at Houston

Check it out, bro. If there is one thing we can agree about AFC South matchup in postseason, it’s that it will be more entertaining to watch Uncle Rishabh clean chicken out of teeth with toenail clipping than watch this game, bro. There is reason why NFL made this early game on Saturday. They’re basically saying, “Hey go shop with fat wife at JCPenney during afternoon and then get home for real game later tonight, bro.” With that being said, since all games between these two are close games, I’ll take team that is getting point, and that happens to be Colts in this one. Good luck, bro…

Seattle at Dallas UNDER 43.5 Points

Look, bro. The over has hit in seven of Seattle’s last eight games, and that is why silly American public has already bet this one up two full points. Don’t be dipshit and ride the public train. This one has the making of defense battle and 35 holding penalties to kill drives. Load and lock up on the under in this one, bro…

San Diego at Baltimore OVER 41.5 Points

Listen, bro. The last two times these teams meet, something like 32 points were scored. So why would point total open as high as 42 when both team feature superb defense and one team has quarterback who can’t throw and other team has quarterback who is slower than Grandpa Sahir trying to make it to toilet, bro? Public agrees with that and has already bet it down a half-point, but I think thugs in Vegas are up to something in this one. Look for something like 24-21 game in this one, which if you’re not shit from pig in math, would be the over, bro…

Philadelphia (+6.5) at Chicago

I’m telling you, bro. This one is easier than my ex-girlfriend Akansh, and she was biggest slut in Howrah. Even Cousin Gokul with baby arm got piece of that poon. National media has been all over this Bears team as Super Bowl contender, but I like how this Eagles team plays when Big Penis Nick Foles is at quarterback position. In fact, I think Eagles actually go into Soldier Field and win this one, bro. Fuck the cover. I like the win, bro…

NCAA

Clemson vs. Alabama (-5) and OVER 58.5 Points

Check it out, bro. This Alabama team has been hailed as best ever since Day One, and let me tell you something, bro. I believe them, my friend. I also like fact that stupid American public has already bet this one down 1 1/2 points in point total and 2 full points in point spread. If there is anything that I took away from my Uncle Omkar before he was sent to Howrah prison for fixing local cricket match it was that public is dumber than shit box or whatever you call it in this country. “There is reason thugs in Vegas live in mansions while you are still urinating in street, Rakesh,” Uncle Omkar would say. Load and lock up on both Alabama and the over in this one, bro…

Longest Pass For Tua Tagovailoa OVER 42 Yards

Listen, bro. You would think media is my ex-girlfriend Akansh, as they are sucking dick of this Clemson defense nonstop. Look, my friend. It’s not hard to have great defense when you play in shit from pig ACC. Hey, way to take care of business against Duke. Get the fuck out with that shit, bro. I think this is bet that will probably hit for you in first quarter, so if you like to order hooker early, then load up on this fucker, bro…

Trevor Lawrence OVER 22.5 Completions

I’m telling you, bro. If Dabo Swinney thinks he is going to beat this Alabama team by running the ball all night long, he is crazier than Uncle Kunal, and we once caught that guy fucking a goat at family reunion. Sick shit, bro. This hippie quarterback will need to throw pigskin early and often if Clemson has chance to be in this game, and look, bro, even if this one doesn’t hit, it likely means your Alabama winning bet will come in no problem. You’re welcome, bro…

Year so far, bro: 47-38

Last time: 3-3

NCAA: 23-20

NFL: 24-18

Wait, there’s more, bro: Kevin Durant Runs Out Of Bounds With 30 Seconds Left In OT – Oh Wait, Refs Sucks Balls And Totally Miss It

You have got to see this shit, bro:

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