Great News For Degenerates: The First 2019 MLB Win Totals Are Out

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by Tommy Gimler

84 wins for the Minnesota Twins? Well, it looks as though the crew at Caesars Entertainment is really taking advantage of legal herb in Nevada.

Is your under 47.5 wins for the Denver Nuggets bet already absolutely fucked? No worries! It’s time to get those cocksuckers back by doubling up that bet and then some on this year’s MLB win totals. Caesars Entertainment is the first to offer up those totals this year, and they’re expecting big things once again from the Houston Astros. And why not, really, as they’re more loaded than Kate Upton’s bra. And with 38 games against the rebuilding Rangers and Mariners, 97.5 wins doesn’t seem all that bad.

On the exact opposite end of the spectrum? You guessed it – the Baltimore Orioles with a win total of 59. The biggest reason for that number is probably because they suck balls. I mean, Renato Nunez? Richie Martin? I’ve never heard of most of them. Mitchell Friedman?

While you can’t argue with their top dog and shittiest pig, the thugs at Caesars have sure left a few juicy numbers in between. Here are the ones that have us creaming our shorts:

Colorado Rockies OVER 82 Wins

The Rockies will once again feature a devastating lineup that could also double as a Denver Klan rally. I mean, with the exception of half of Ian Desmond, every player is white. As far as pitching goes, both Kyle Freeland and Jon Gray return to a much improved starting rotation that should only get better under another year of farting skipper Bud Black, and the bullpen will once again feature great arms such as Wade Davis, Scott Oberg, Jake McGee and Seung Hwan Oh. If you’re looking for what could be the easiest win total bet in years, jump all over this one like a Kardashian on a black dude…

Washington Nationals OVER 88.5 Wins

We expect this one to go down a win or two early, as the majority of simple fucks will see no Bryce Harper and think that there is no way in hell this team wins close to 90 games. But before you under takers all start jerking each other off in a Citi Field bathroom, take this into consideration. In two of the past three seasons, Harper has finished with a WAR of under 2. In fact last year, Harper finished with a paltry WAR of 1.3. Who else had such a number? Try JT Riddle, Charlie Culberson and Nick Martini. Do those names do anything for you? And this guy had the stones to turn down $300 million. Fuck him. With Scherzer, Corbin and Strasburg leading the rotation along with young studs like Soto, Turner and Robles complementing veterans such as Eaton, Rendon and Dozier, expect the locker room to be a much more enjoyable place and a minimum of 92 wins as the Nationals make another run to once again lose in the first round of the postseason…

Here are the rest of the win totals provided by the crew at Caesars:

Houston Astros 97.5
Boston Red Sox 95.5
Los Angeles Dodgers 95
New York Yankees 94.5
Cleveland Indians 91.5
Chicago Cubs 89
St. Louis Cardinals 88.5
Washington Nationals 88.5
Tampa Bay Rays 85.5
Atlanta Braves 84
Minnesota Twins 84
Los Angeles Angels 83.5
Milwaukee Brewers 83.5
New York Mets 83.5
Oakland A’s 83
Philadelphia Phillies 83
Colorado Rockies 82
Pittsburgh Pirates 78.5
San Diego Padres 77.5
Arizona Diamondbacks 77
Cincinnati Reds 77
Toronto Blue Jays 76.5
Seattle Mariners 74.5
Chicago White Sox 74.5
San Francisco Giants 73
Texas Rangers 70.5
Kansas City Royals 69
Detroit Tigers 67
Miami Marlins 65.5
Baltimore Orioles 59

Boy, that Reds under also looks juicy when you take into consideration that Puig and Kemp will probably be drunk most of the time once they realize they’re wearing Reds uniforms this year. Hey, best of luck, degenerates…

Wait, there’s more: Kentucky Beats Texas A&M By 14 And Covers – Oh Wait, Dude Hits Half-Court Shot At Buzzer To Wreck Your Parlay

You have got to see this shit:

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