I’m Finally Coming To Grips With How Awful Week 15 Was For Fantasy Football Nerds

big ben

by Tommy Gimler

If you’re a massive fantasy football nerd like I am, odds are you shed 3,000 fake tears when all three of your fake football teams shit the bed in the fake semifinals this past weekend.

I mean, let’s not beat off around the bush here. Keenan Allen? Yeah, eat a dick. Saquon Barkley? Suck one. DeAndre Hopkins? You’re cool.

Dreams of pocketing over a thousand dollars this holiday season quickly vanished faster than a fart in the wind after guys like Allen, Barkley and Davante Adams were outplayed by guys such as Mike Williams, Derrick Henry and…wait for it…Robert Foster. You know, that Robert Foster who most of us would best recognize from the line, “Who in the hell is Robert Foster?”

For the entire 2018 fake football season, Patrick Mahomes has been far and away the best fake player, and odds are if he’s on your fake roster, you found yourself playing in the fake semifinals in Week 15. The problem with that? You guessed it – he was outplayed by Sam Fucking Darnold. Starting Keenan Allen against a Chiefs defense that has been rather generous to opposing receivers also seemed like a brilliant play. Well, that is until we found out in the first quarter that his hip is about as effective as my grandmother’s, and she’s been dead for 13 years.

I guess I could rattle off how pretty much every player on my fake rosters shit the bed, but I would like to keep my lips off the bottle until after the sun goes down. Here is probably the most effective way to show you how fucked up Week 15 was for fantasy nerds:

2018 QB season leaders

Patrick Mahomes, Matt Ryan, Ben Roethlisberger, Andrew Luck, Drew Brees

Week 15 QB leaders

Matt Ryan, Deshaun Watson, Sam Darnold, Philip Rivers, Mitchell Trubisky

2018 RB season leaders

Todd Gurley, Christian McCaffery, Saquon Barkley, Alvin Kamara, Ezekiel Elliot

Week 15 RB leaders

Derrick Henry, Todd Gurley, Dalvin Cook, Damien Williams, Joe Mixon

2018 WR season leaders

Davante Adams, Tyreek Hill, DeAndre Hopkins, Julio Jones, Antonio Brown

Week 15 WR leaders

DeAndre Hopkins, Mike Williams, Doug Baldwin, Alshon Jeffrey, Robby Anderson

And don’t even get me started on fucking kickers. Bottom line? Maybe this was just a fluke, woman. Or maybe next year, all of us who are sitting with a fake 7-1 or 6-2 mark after eight weeks of fake football need to seriously start looking at our fake players’ schedules for our fake playoffs. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself watching The Christmas Chronicles with your wife on Monday night instead of seeing whether or not Brees and McCaffery can lead you to the fake promised land…

Wait, there’s more: Sometimes You Bet $569K On The Seahawks To Beat A 3-10 Team And You Take It Up The Tailpipe When They Lose In OT

You have got to see this shit:

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