Bring In December By Making Bookie Your Bitch With These NFL And College Football Bets, Bro

Rakesh

by Rakesh the Intern

Get ready to double up kid’s college fund this weekend, bro!

Look, bro. Rakesh is sorry if you lost your house and had to move back in with mother after last weekend’s shit from pig NFL bets, but this is the perfect weekend to get that house back and buy one next to it. Here’s what I am thinking for this weekend, bro:

NCAA

Texas vs. Oklahoma UNDER 81 Points

Check it out, bro. The over has hit in seven straight Oklahoma games, so sooner (pun intended here, bro) or later, the opposite is going to happen. It’s just like Cousin Anagi in college. She would let something like 13 guys inside of her at one time, and since they were all freshmen, they were jackhammers. Sick shit, bro. Well, she would keep doing this as if nothing bad was going to happen. But a little while later, her poon broke. Moral of story here is take the under, bro…

UAB vs. Middle Tennessee State OVER 43.5

Listen, bro. These two shit from pig schools just finished playing worst college football game of the year last week. That is, until Pac 12 championship game last night. Pure goat shit in that one, bro. So when UAB put up just three points last week yet thugs in Vegas still make point total to account for more than six touchdowns, well, let’s just say that something here smell fishier than my ex-girlfriend Akansh’s poon, and she was biggest slut in Howrah, bro. Even Cousin Gokul and his baby left arm hit that shit. Moral of story here is take the over, bro…

Georgia vs. Alabama OVER 64 Points

Look, bro. This isn’t your grandpa’s SEC, my friend. This Alabama quarterback is real deal, and only way for Georgia to be factor in this one is to keep foot on gas and keep up with points. I have run simulation on my Nintendo 47 times, and over has hit in 35 of those games. In fact, final point total in most of them was at least 74 points. Look for this one to hit in third quarter, which means that you can order hooker early tonight, bro…

NFL

Carolina at Tampa Bay OVER 54 Points

Let me tell you something, bro. If there was one thing that I remember Uncle Omkar telling me before he was locked up in Howrah prison for fixing local cricket match, it was that if stupid betting public is loading up on one side of game, then Rakesh should take the other side. “There is reason why thugs in Vegas have high-rise building and you live with 20 of your cousins, bro,” Uncle Omkar would say, meaning that thugs will make sure fix is in. Well, my friend, with 85 percent of betting public taking the under in this one, look for shootout here. Load and lock up on the over, bro…

Chicago at New York Giants (+3.5)

Seriously, bro. It’s the Akansh’s stank ass poon clause in this one, too, as some how a 3-8 team is just a 3.5-point underdog against 8-3 team? With all due respect, get fucked, bro. Spread in this one should be minimum of touchdown, so don’t be surprised when Giants “magically” lose by just a field goal. Thanks for the hook and free hooker, bro…

Kansas City at Oakland OVER 55 Points

If you think this Kareem Hunt getting kicked out of league for kicking woman is going to slow down this offense, well, that would make you crazier than Uncle Kunal, and we once caught that guy fucking a goat at family reunion. This Spencer Ware was in line to start last year before getting hurt, and she should be able to jump right in and score minimum two touchdowns. Oakland might not score point in this one, but that will be OK when final score is 56-0, Chiefs, bro…

2018 so far, bro: 37-30

Last week: 2-4

NCAA: 19-15

NFL: 18-15

Wait, there’s more: Ohio State Fan Dressed In Hot Dog Suit Hits On Announcer Then Hits Half-Court Shot To Win Free Hot Dogs For A Year

You have got to see this shit:

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