Milwaukee Vs. Los Angeles In The NLCS: A Closer, More Disgusting Look


by Tommy Gimler

It’s the matchup that everybody predicted in the 2018 NLCS, as the Milwaukee Brewers host the Los Angeles Dodgers Friday night.

If you’re looking for a roster comparison, you’ve come to the wrong place, as you’re going to find nothing more than things like “Yasiel Puig is still the biggest turd in baseball” and “Orlando Arcia’s plate approach is fucking garbage.” But if you’re looking for something like which of the two cities you’re more likely to get syphilis in, well, grab a cold one and read on.

You’re almost three times as likely to get murdered in Milwaukee than in Los Angeles.

According to The Trace, 19.8 per every 100,000 people in the City of Festivals will get clipped sometime this year, while statistics back up just how chill the bros in the City of Angels are these days, as only 7 out of 100,000 people will get murdered this year. However, if you narrow it down to just being in the Dodger Stadium parking lot wearing the opposing team’s colors, you’re pretty much standing in the most dangerous place on the planet, and the odds of leaving there with a pulse drastically drop down to 2.6 percent…

You’re more likely to get gonorrhea from having unprotected sex with a skank in Milwaukee than in Los Angeles.

In fact, you’re more likely to get the clap in Brew City than you are in any other metropolitan area in America. But watch out, Milwaukee. Memphis is gunning for your ass. A 2016 CDC report said 282.7 out of every 100,000 people in Milwaukee are walking around with the drip, while that number is only 190.7 per 100,000 in Los Angeles. It’s not good for Brew Town when it comes to chlamydia either, as their rate per 100,000 humpers (1,122.5) is damn near double that in L.A. (581.3). It’s just another friendly reminder to wrap it up no matter where you’re humping, especially if you’re at Charlie Sheen’s house…

You’re more likely to get robbed, raped and/or assaulted in Milwaukee than in Los Angeles.

According to Neighborhood Scout, Milwaukee was given a 4 out of 100 in terms of a person’s overall safety. 100 would be the safest a city could be, and Cream City came in with a goddamn 4. That’s because 0.8 out of every 1,000 people are going to get raped, 5.53 are going to get robbed and 8.96 are going to be assaulted, and those numbers likely grow exponentially if you find yourself somewhere on Locust Street. Compare that to Los Angeles, where only 0.6 out of every 1,000 residents are getting raped, 2.64 are getting robbed and 4.04 are getting assaulted. L.A. hit the scoreboard with a 16 out of 100 in terms of safety, unless of course you find yourself on Harvey Weinstein’s property. Then it’s time to panic…

You’re more likely to be unemployed in Los Angeles than in Milwaukee.

Hey, brah. Pass me that spliff and then watch me catch this wave. According to the Bureau of Labor, the unemployment rate is just a c-hair higher in Los Angeles than in Milwaukee. As of March of this year, it was at 4.2 percent in Los Angeles and 3.9 percent in Milwaukee. To be fair, though, Milwaukee’s rate includes those lazy fucks in Cudahy. Get a job, hippies…

The drinking water in Los Angeles is surprisingly healthier in Los Angeles than in Milwaukee.

There are two rules in my house. One of them is that you have to wash your hands after dropping a deuce, and the other is that you’re not allowed to drink the water out of the sink. I don’t want that shit on my hands in either case. But according to the EWG Database, the tap water in L.A. is safer than what’s coming out of the tap in Milwaukee. Obviously, that was also the case in 1993 when drinking the water in Milwaukee was literally a deadly decision thanks to the cryptosporidium swimming through it. Today, there are five contaminants detected in L.A.’s drinking water that are above health guidelines, while Milwaukee’s water has 8. The bottom line? You guessed it – you’re better off drinking beer in both cities…

So there you have it, baseball fans. Milwaukee is apparently a dirtier and more dangerous city to call home, but hey, it could always be worse. I mean, you could be living in St. Louis…

Wait, there’s more: Mason Crosby Got The Bob Menery Treatment And The Resulting Video Is Magical

You have got to see this shit:

View this post on Instagram

Sometimes you have to run through a door in order for your team to be ready to run through a wall @pardonmytake

A post shared by Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) on

What do you think? Leave a comment or subscribe to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Image Description