How NFL Bettors Got Dicked In Week 7

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by Frank Rhombus

You’ll want to think twice about betting with the public after you see this shit.

I’ve never been shy about calling out the fucks at The Shield for being nothing more than an extension of the WWE. What we are watching on a weekly basis these days is nothing short of scripted entertainment, yet the majority of people in this country still somehow believe professional football is actually a competitive sport.

How many backdoor covers, bullshit penalties and/or missed chip shots by kickers will it take before the masses finally come to their senses? Well, unless somebody like Eddie Hochuli pulls a Tim Donaghy and comes clean, the answer to that question is most likely “never.” Sure, Vegas will report that their sportsbooks took a hit over the weekend because so many favorites (with the exception of the Eagles, of course) won their games, so bettors who just took the money lines and threw them into a parlay were able to cash those puppies in.

But it sure as shit wasn’t all bad news for the boys in Sin City. For example, a funny thing is happening in 2018. People are actually betting on the Cleveland Browns to win football games. Not necessarily to cover in games, but to outright win them. This time around, 69 percent of money line bets in the Browns-Bucs game were placed on Cleveland. Only 48 percent of the point spread bets were placed on the Browns, but the public hammered the over so much so that it jumped from 48.5 to 52.5 by game time. That’s a full four points for those of you who refuse to do elementary school math on this glorious Tuesday.

Vegas Insider showed that 76 percent of the point total bets were placed on the over, probably because Tampa’s defense has been scored on more times this year than Alyssa Milano in the Dodgers clubhouse. Factor that percentage in with a Cleveland win, and the house would have had to pay out 193 percent of a possible 300 percent if the over also would have come in. So what happened? You guessed it – Tampa Bay won 26-23, meaning the books collected on that 193 percent while only having to dish out on the 107 percent.

While that outcome was pretty cute for the house, there were quite a few other moments from this weekend’s action that left me wondering if it was something more than just “chance” that led to the final outcome. Check this out:

Washington 20, Dallas 17

A lot of people bet on Dallas this weekend, and it probably had something to do with the fact that they’re fucked in the head. The Boys began the week as a one-point underdog, but the Dallas faithful made them 1.5-point favorites by game time. Fast forward to the fourth quarter, where Washington is up 20-17 with Dallas lining up for a 47-yard field goal to tie it with just three seconds left in regulation. Then this happened:

Both the penalty and the explanation from NFL Officiating’s Twitter feed were fucking garbage, something that was echoed a tad more poetically by Tony Dungy.  

The dude wound up missing from 52 yards out with a kick that more than likely would have been good from 42, which should have been the case if the refs weren’t as crooked at Owen Wilson’s beak. Vegas wound up collecting on all of those Dallas money line bets, and oh yeah, if you were amongst the 59 percent who took the over at 40.5 points, you took one up the tailpipe as well…

Kansas City 45, Cincinnati 10

The point total was 56.5. With a 45-10 lead late in the fourth quarter and facing a 4th-and-4 at the Cincinnati 5-yard line, company man Andy Reid forgoes kicking the field goal that would have made the over a winning bet and instead has Spencer Ware run the ball for the sixth consecutive time. Does he get the first down or a tuddy? Of course not, meaning the 71 percent of bettors who took the over went to bed a loser, just like all of those who parlayed the Chiefs with the over…

New Orleans 24, Baltimore 23

Fox play-by-play guy Chris Myers raved (pun intended) for almost 10 seconds about how Ravens kicker Justin Tucker had never missed an extra point in his career. For the 68 percent of gamblers who bet more than 49.5 points were going to be scored in this puppy, all he had to do is what he’s done since Day One: kick the extra point. After all, odds are somebody was going to score at some point during overtime to make it the over. Then this happened:

Funny how that flag on the right really starts blowing just as the ball is snapped. Of course, it’s really funny if you had the under…

Atlanta 23, New York 20

Scott Van Pelt would probably call this one a bad beat and have a good chuckle about it with Stanford Steve. Of course, when guys and girls are making educated guesses and wagering their hard-earned money on what should be a sure thing, it’s really not a laughing matter.

It’s no secret that the Giants have been delivering giant dick sandwiches to their fan base the entire season, and for three-and-a-half quarters Monday night, it was pretty much the same story with perhaps a little bit of extra mayo on this cock sandy. If you were amongst the 63 percent of bettors who took the Falcons as a 4.5-point favorite, you were probably getting ready to light up the old dog turd and celebrate as Atlanta went up 20-6 with 7:47 left to play. After all, the Giants hadn’t scored a touchdown in more than four quarters of play dating back to the previous week.

Well son of a bee sting, the Giants offense was suddenly able to move the ball with ease, finding pay dirt in just three minutes to make it an eight-point game (instead of seven thanks to Pat Shurmur being a giant idiot). Any crap, the Falcons get the ball back and are on the verge of being able to run out the clock after the Giants burn their final timeout with 3:12 remaining. Well, that is until they commit not one but two false start penalties, “conveniently” on 2nd-and-1 and 3rd-and-1 before settling for a long field goal, making it an 11-point lead in the process.

With under two minutes left to go, the game was over. Unless of course you had the Falcons winning by 4.5 points. Then you had to sweat it out and look across the living room for something that you weren’t going to regret throwing into the fireplace if this fucker didn’t hold up. The very first play of New York’s final drive? You guessed it – a 58 yard pass play to Shepard, and all of sudden the 4.5-point cover that was a sure thing for 58 minutes is no longer just that. And when Eli Manning finds Odell Beckham with just five seconds remaining, the lead is just five, and we all knew what was coming. The Giants offensive line suddenly remembered how to block and opened up a hole bigger than the one between Ava Devine’s legs, and Saquon Barkley fell into the end zone for the two points that were necessary to crush your dream.

So is it all just a coincidence that the refs in one game, a coach in another, a kicker in another and a quarterback’s suddenly impossible-to-remember snap count in another all happened to dick over thousands of bettors in the same weekend? Maybe. Although it’s “funny” how those “coincidences” consistently bail out the sportsbooks on a weekly basis…

Wait, there’s more: Here’s A Hot San Jose Sharks Fan Catching A Puck Against Her Jugs

You have got to see this shit:

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