Week 1 Of The NFL Is In The Books And The Best Team Is…

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by Tommy Gimler

Well, it’s certainly not the Lions.

Week 1 of the 2018 NFL season is officially in the books, and the league’s best player so far? You guessed it – Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Here’s how we view each of the 32 teams with only 16 weeks left from best to worst…

1. Minnesota Vikings

As a Packers fan, it blows to see a squad this loaded on both sides of the ball playing in Minnesota. The good news is that they’ve had teams like this before and still have yet to win a Lombardi Trophy…

2. New England Patriots

Google “NFL standings,” and you’d have to assume that Patriots fans are wicked pissed the Dolphins are actually listed above their beloved team. If they get past the Jaguars this Sunday, then the road to 6-0 looks easier than my sister, who – from what I’ve reluctantly heard – was plowed by all 22 starters of our high school football team her senior year. Not all at once, though. I mean, then she’d probably be dead…

3. Los Angeles Rams

Watching Todd Gurley run over some of those Raiders defenders last night was nothing short of boner inducing. If the defense can figure out how to stop the opposing team’s tight end, Marcus Peters and company will be grabbing their cocks every time they cross the goal line in Super Bowl 53…

4. Baltimore Ravens

Sure, the Buffalo Bills are the NFL’s equivalent to a meconium shit, but still, that curb stomping Sunday afternoon in Baltimore was pretty damn impressive…

5. Kansas City Chiefs

Two of Patrick Mahomes’s touchdowns were “thrown” shorter than a geriatric’s cum shot, but man, this offense seems to be more explosive than Peter North’s best effort…

6. Washington Redskins

I don’t care if you’re playing against a team of amputees, if you rush for 182 yards at this level with guys like Adrian Peterson and Chris Thompson, you’ve got one hell of an offensive line that has the potential to lead to something special…

7. Philadelphia Eagles

If we were ranking teams solely by pecker length, the reigning Super Bowl champs would be at the top of this list thanks in large part to Big Dick Nick. However, they’re too offensively challenged on the field right now to have them any higher than this…

8. Denver Broncos

Who put a fucking quarter in Emmanuel Sanders? In Sunday’s win over the visiting Seahawks, the dude caught 10 balls for 135 yards and a tuddy. He’s already at 21.27 percent of his entire output from all of last year…

9. Jacksonville Jaguars

It’s official: Blake Bortles still sucks. But that Jags defense sure doesn’t…

10. New York Jets

After throwing a pick six on the very first play of his NFL career, things could have gone very south for Sam Darnold and the Jets. Like Florida south. Instead, Darnold and the Jets defense rallied to beat the everliving shit out of the Detroit Lions. With the Dolphins and Browns on the horizon, a 3-0 start seems rather likely…

11. Green Bay Packers

Sunday’s come-from-behind 24-23 victory over the Bears once again proved that Aaron Rodgers is a god amongst men on the gridiron while Mike McCarthy has no fucking clue when it comes to anything other than cleaning house at Golden Corral. He looks absolutely lost on an NFL sideline when Rodgers isn’t there carrying his fat ass to another W. Plus, Clay Matthews can eat a dick. Thank you…

12. Carolina Panthers

Carolina’s 16-8 victory over Dallas on Sunday was about as thrilling as watching my grandfather take seven minutes to finish off a scratcher…

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

There’s a better chance of me drilling Kate Upton in Albuquerque next Sunday than Ryan Fitzpatrick going for 417 yards and 4 tuddies through the air along with another six points courtesy of his legs. Still, dropping 48 on New Orleans was pretty damn impressive…

14. Cincinnati Bengals

18 other teams outgained the Bengals on offense, and only eight teams gave up more yards than Cincy’s defense. So why are they 1-0? Well, the Colts blow…

15. Miami Dolphins

And speaking of 1-0 teams that suck balls…

16. Pittsburgh Steelers

Le’Veon Bell still hasn’t reported to the team two days after James Connor gained nearly 200 yards from scrimmage on a field that was a bigger mess than my ex-girlfriend’s hump hole, and that means his agent would likely fail a drug test if one was to be administered on him…

17. Cleveland Browns

“These guys ain’t so fucking bad…”

18. Los Angeles Chargers

Travis Benjamin is surprisingly still on the roster after dropping several of Philip Rivers’s beautiful balls Sunday afternoon. In some countries, they would have taken him out back and given him the “Old Yeller” treatment for that performance…

19. Houston Texans

The “Deshaun Watson for MVP” talk went away quicker than my hard-on after Katherine Heigl showed up on my television screen this afternoon…

20. New Orleans Saints

If you thought any of Ava Devine’s holes suffered the worst pounding you’ve ever seen, go back and rewatch the Saints defense do their thing against the Bucs…

21. Seattle Seahawks

If you’re the opposing team’s quarterback, why not just throw to the guy who’s being covered by the Seattle dude who only has one hand? I mean, the chances of throwing an interception have to be slim to none…

22. New York Giants

The Giants still haven’t won a game with Odell Beckham on the field since he and his pals put on their Mexican bathing suits (jeans and high-tops) and went on that boat trip…

23. Chicago Bears

If you’re looking for positive takeaway from Sunday’s loss to the Packers, at least the Bears made DeShone Kizer their bitch…

24. Atlanta Falcons

Since winning the MVP in 2016, Matt Ryan has been the equivalent to my performance in the bedroom after my wife got knocked up: subpar

25. San Francisco 49ers

Kirk Cousins may have outplayed Jimmy Garoppolo on Sunday, but odds are Jimmy G still was the recipient of a better beej that night…

26. Oakland Raiders

Show me somebody who said Jared Cook was going to catch 9 balls for 180 yards Monday night and I’ll show you a fucking liar. For the record, he has 20 times as many receiving yards as his teammate Amari Cooper…

27. Indianapolis Colts

The Colts were able to put 23 points on the scoreboard Sunday afternoon, and to be honest, that’s 23 more than we had projected…

28. Tennessee Titans

Is there a way to bet that Jim Nance and Tony Romo won’t be doing the Tennessee-Buffalo game in Week 5? With a potential Blaine Gabbert-Josh Allen matchup on our hands, that seems to be a bigger lock than my newborn daughter using me for a toilet at some point this evening…

29. Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys offense is the equivalent to the notion of getting on a plane or in a car with Post Malone right now: not a good one

30. Arizona Cardinals

If you started Sam Bradford on your fantasy football team Sunday afternoon, do yourself a favor and get the fuck out of the fantasy game right now. As a fake GM, that was almost as bad of a call as the GM who signed him to the Cardinals for real…

31. Detroit Lions

If you did as poorly at your normal job as Matthew Stafford did against the Jets last night, you’d not only be fired on the spot but also arrested and probably executed…

32. Buffalo Bills

So exactly how many pictures of Bills owner Terrence Pegula getting buttfucked by a dude in a Batman costume does Nathan Peterman have in his possession? I mean, that has to be the only reason he’s still the starting quarterback for this team…

Wait, there’s more: The Sports Gambling Podcast’s Sean Green Is Here To Win You Mad Cash With These NFC East Picks

You have got to see this shit:

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