Making Bookie Your Bitch Is Easier Than Ever With These College Football And NFL Picks, Bro

Rakesh

by Rakesh the Intern

Apparently all you need to do to beat – or almost beat – Clemson is hurt quarterback, bro.

Let me tell you something, bro. This Dabo Swinney is going to get severe ass fuck from media after telling starting quarterback to take fucking hike and then new kid comes in and looks pig shit awful before going out with headache. Media should make him their bitch today, and you can do the same to your bookie thanks to these Rakesh specials.

NCAA

Rice at Wake Forest OVER 66 Points

Check it out, bro. If you would have said, “Rakesh, close eye and tell me how many point you think will be scored in Rice-Wake Forest game,” I would have said 12, bro. Both of these teams feature shit from pig offense, and the fact that thugs in Vegas are expecting at least 28 to be scored by Wake team means the fix is in. Take whatever money is in fat wife’s purse and double it up for her with over in this one, bro…

Old Dominion at East Carolina (-7)

Look, bro. When you have upset of the century the week before against Virginia Tech and then are seven-point underdog next week against shit from pig East Carolina team, well, let’s just say this one smell fishier than my ex-girlie Akansh’s poon, and she was biggest slut in Howrah, bro. Everybody – even Cousin Gokul with his baby left arm – got a piece of that shit. I was not mad at Gokul for getting in that poon while she was still with me, though. It’s like you say here in this country, bros before huge sluts, my friend. Take East Carolina in this one, bro…

USC at Arizona UNDER 61 Points

I’m telling you, bro. This USC program just hasn’t been the same since cheating stopped. Last year, I would have said that these offenses were more potent than Cousin Deepak, and he has something like 18 kids and he’s just 29 years old now, bro. This year? Yeah, not so much, bro. This Khalil Tate is running quarterback and new coach is telling him, “Don’t run, bitch. Throw ball. You’re fucking quarterback.” Well, this year we are learning he is not quarterback. Arizona might not score in this one, bro, so load and lock up on under…

NFL

Buffalo at Green Bay (-10)

Check it out, bro. This Green Bay team has been fucked more than slut Akansh, and I have feeling that this is week where they take shit from pig Buffalo team and make them ultimate bitch. I’m talking 38-3 or some shit, bitch. Majority of public is taking Bills in this one, and trust me, bro, that is about as good of an idea as getting romantically involved with this LeSean McCoy. They call him Shady for a reason, bro…

Cleveland at Oakland OVER 45 Points

Listen, bro. If you are looking for one game this week to throw fat Rupee on, this is the one. I’m talking like Uncle Rishabh fat. Dude is like 400-pounder now, my friend, and it’s all because of those carbs. First start for this Baker Mayfield combined with Raiders needing to win first game of year means 45 might be scored in first half. That would be nice because it would give you extra time to call hooker over for celebration, bro…

Miami (+6.5) at New England

I’m serious, bro. You might be able to wait until Sunday morning and get this one at seven or maybe even eight point because silly American public will be thinking that there is no way Patriots fall to 1-3. Personally, that kind of thinking is crazier than Uncle Kunal, and we once caught that guy fucking a goat at family reunion. Sick shit, bro. Take the better team in this one, which is Miami, bro…

So far in 2018, bro: 8-4

Last week: 4-2

NCAA: 5-1

NFL: 3-3

Wait, there’s more: Kudos To The Vikings Long Snapper Who Lost Part Of His Finger But Returned To The Field To Finish The Game

You have got to see this shit:

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