Christian Yelich Can Plow My Sister

christian yelich cycle

by Tommy Gimler

Hell, both of them. At the same time. Unprotected.

In case you’re a sportswriter out there who’s missed it because you’re too busy with Javy Baez’s nuts on your chin, Christian Yelich is in the midst of an MVP campaign during his first season with the Milwaukee Brewers.

While some Brew Crew fans were butt hurt by the fact that Brewers brass dealt top prospect Lewis Brinson to Miami for Yelich’s talents during the offseason (you know who you are, and you may or may not be married to one of my sisters), we here at the DUD were all over the outfielder’s knob from day one, and he hasn’t disappointed. After becoming the first player in MLB history to hit for the cycle twice in one season against the same team, here’s what Yelich’s stat line looks like with only 11 games left in the 2018 regular season:

.318 batting average, .955 OPS, 31 home runs, 102 runs, 93 RBI, 19 stolen bases, 170 hits, 127 strikeouts

But because he plays in Milwaukee, the majority of “sportswriters” across the country have already dubbed Chicago’s Javy Baez as the National League’s best player. Here’s his stat line:

.294 average, .893 OPS, 32 home runs, 94 runs, 105 RBI, 21 stolen bases, 163 hits, 148 strikeouts

Basically, it means that one more home run, 12 more RBI (from the cleanup spot) and 2 more stolen bases outweighs everything that Yelich has brought to the table in Milwaukee. Never mind the fact that he’s hitting 24 points lower to go along with an OPS that’s 62 points lower. Baez is the MVP because he plays in a bigger market with way more murders.

Well, we here at the DUD don’t discriminate based on a market’s size or geographical location. Hell, there’s even one guy from Chicago on the September 2018 list of guys who can plow my sister. Of course, based on his performance over the last 5 1/2 months, Yelich is pretty high on that fucker.

September 2018 Top Ten List Of Guys Who Can Plow My Sister

1. Christian Yelich

2. Mike Trout (hey, it’s not his fault the rest of his team blows)

3. Tom Brady

4. Khalil Mack

5. Todd Gurley

6. LeBron James

7. Pelé

8. Aaron Rodgers (dating Danica Patrick damn near knocked him off the list)

9. John Daly

10. Clayton Kershaw

Note: I cannot include Big Dick Nick Foles on this list because I don’t want to see my sister in a wheelchair at Christmas this year, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate what he did for Eagles fans earlier this year…

Wait, there’s more: Minor League Manager Gets Ejected, Pretends To Hit A Home Run And Runs Around The Bases

You have got to see this shit:

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