Nobody Watches The AFC South On Purpose But That Should Change This Year

blake bortles

by Tommy Gimler

After raising a record $41.6 million in Hurricane Harvey relief, J.J. Watt can plow my sister, and if he and the rest of his Texans teammates can actually stay healthy this year, he could jump to the top of that sister-hump list as a Super Bowl champion.

If you’re looking for an absolute lock in terms of doubling up your kid’s college fund, Blake Bortles throwing more than 13 balls to opposing players seems to be juicier than Charlotte McKinney’s tits. So does Andrew Luck’s throwing shoulder falling off his body before Week 6.

Other than that, here’s how we see the AFC South playing out this year:

1. Houston Texans

There are plenty of parts of Houston not worth visiting these days, but their sports arenas and stadiums aren’t on that list. With a healthy Watt and Deshaun Watson back in 2017, I’ll put a nickel on the Texans to not only win the AFC South but also the entire conference. Of course, should Watt, Watson, Will Fuller, DeAndre Hopkins and Lamar Miller all go down for the season with infected hangnails or some shit, then I’ll probably just delete this post…

2017 record: 4-12

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 11-5

Vegas says: 8.5 wins

Sports Illustrated says: 9-7

Bleacher Report says: 8-8

2. Tennessee Titans

The Titans have a better quarterback, wide-receiving corps, tight end and of course, second-string running back than the Jaguars. They also have an easier schedule and waaaaaaaaaaay better city to call home…

2017 record: 9-7

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 9-7

Vegas says: 8-8

Sports Illustrated says: 8-8

Bleacher Report says: 10-6

3. Jacksonville Jaguars

If I was into 11 superb male athletes who played defensive positions for the same NFL team, I’d jerk off three times a day to the Jacksonville Jaguars defense. Well, I’m not. And I’m definitely not punching my clown to anybody on the other side of the ball for these guys. Not even Leonard Fournette because I’m a foot guy, and his feet always seem to be fucked up…

2017 record: 10-6

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 8-8

Vegas says: 9-7

Sports Illustrated says: 10-6

Bleacher Report says: 10-6

4. Indianapolis Colts

According to Urban Dictionary, an Indianapolis Nut Packer is the challenging yet eloquent art of gripping one’s cock and ball pouch with the dominant hand and swiftly inserting the meaty package into the unsuspecting anus of the sexual partner whilst engaging in a doggy style bone session “sans lube.” That sounds like it has the potential to turn at least one head, which is one more than the Colts will turn with another year of subpar play…

2017 record: 4-12

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 3-13 

Vegas says: 6.5 wins

Sports Illustrated says: 5-11

Bleacher Report says: 5-11

Wait, there’s more: 2018 NFC West Preview: 49ers Fans Are Dreaming Of A Season Bigger Than Jimmy Garoppolo’s Girl’s Boobs

You have got to see this shit:

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