Massive Points In Your ‘Athletes Getting Arrested Fantasy League’ After Richie Incognito Asks Funeral Home Employees To Cut Off His Dead Dad’s Head

incognito arrested

by Tommy Gimler

If you have former Bills and Dolphins offensive lineman Richie Incognito scheduled to babysit your kids this weekend, you’ll probably want to reconsider.

The 35-year-old nut job was arrested by Scottsdale police officers Monday after he allegedly “threatened to retrieve guns from his vehicle and return to shoot the employees” at the Messinger Pinnacle Peak Mortuary. Police said Incognito arrived at the funeral home on Monday to make arrangements for his father, who sadly passed away last weekend, and let’s just say that things deteriorated quicker than a Cleveland Browns offensive play.


“Incognito reportedly was upset with staff and began to damage property inside the business and shout at employees,” said Sgt. Ben Hoster, a police spokesman. “At several points during his contact with staff, Incognito threatened to retrieve guns from his vehicle and return to shoot the employees.”

A police report showed officers later executed a search warrant on Incognito’s pickup truck and seized two Glocks, three rifles and a silencer for a handgun. Witnesses told police that Incognito was acting erratically, asking for his father’s head to be cut off “for research purchases.” When the mortuary refused, Incognito allegedly punched caskets, threw pamphlets around and slammed an urn on top of a casket. 

TMZ reports one staffer “thought Incognito was going to kill him” and ran to a secure room while waiting for police to arrive. Cops arrested Incognito, who “appeared to lack concentration and was unable to maintain a coherent thought,” at gunpoint. The police report said Incognito was also upset when family told him he wasn’t going to be allowed to attend his father’s funeral due to his behavior.

Obviously, Incognito needs either some serious help or no more refills of his Percocet prescription. But hey, unless you live next door to this fucking guy, that’s not your problem. The only thing you need to worry about at this point is how many points your Former Athletes Getting Arrested (FAGA) fantasy team is going to net after Incognito’s latest bout of shitdickery.

Here’s how we’ll score this one:

incognito arrested

Your athlete, in this case Richie Incognito, got arrested: 1 point

A mugshot that suggests Monday night won’t be the only night he spends in the clink this week: 1 point

Shock value – I mean, the only thing shocking about Incognito getting cuffed is that it took him almost three months to get the job done after losing his shit in a gym in late May. However, it’s not everyday that a dude walks into a funeral home and says, “You there. Go slice off my dad’s noggin.”: points

Time of arrest – Incognito went apeshit inside the funeral home while the sun was up on Monday: 2 points for the arrest not taking place between the hours of 12am and 2am

“Thug-O-Meter” (how gangster was the crime): I’d say bringing a handgun/silencer combo and a few Glocks to a funeral home and asking them to remove your pops’ dome is pretty fucking gangster – 3 points

Weapons of choice – Glocks, handgun, silencer, rifles, funeral home pamphlets: 2 points for variety

Cops didn’t find a cooler in the truck, so where was he going to put the head? minus 1 point

Then again, maybe he was just going to run out of there, throw his dad’s head in the truck bed and hightail it for a tit bar: 3 more points for potentially being super-fucking gangster

“Asshole Level” (Level 1 being Gandhi and Level 5 Jeffrey Dahmer) – I asked the maid here at the Candlewood Suites in Williamsport how asshole-ish ripping shit up at a funeral home and asking them to remove your dead dad’s head is, and she agreed with me that this is almost as bad as eating a human being. Thus, he’s a Level 4 asshole: 4 points

Making me google “research purchases” instead of “research purposes” to see if they are indeed a thing: 1 point

Total points for Richie Incognito getting arrested after threatening funeral home employees and asking them to remove his dead father’s head: 18 points

The DUD Analysis

I mean, the rich get richer thanks to Richie Incognito. Drafting him in the first round of your FAGA fantasy league is really starting to pay dividends now, and he needs to be kept at all costs. If you don’t have this clown on your roster, even if it means you have to give up your second, third and fifth round picks the next three years to get your hands on him, it’s totally worth it. It’s only a matter of time before he murders his entire family, drives to the Grand Canyon and jumps into it while meaning to yell “Sic semper tyrannis” but muttering something from a Harry Potter movie and then ending it with an n-bomb instead…

Wait, there’s more: J.J. Redick Says His Car Service Driver Had A Caged Human Being In The Trunk

You have got to see this shit:

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