Here’s Exactly How The AFC West Will Finish This Year

Denver Broncos sign quarterback Case Keenum

by Tommy Gimler

Pray for Broncos fans such as Shaggy McKnight, Jess Place, Adam Pockross and T Sean Phillips, as they’ve all been forced to believe in Case Keenum.

The NFL’s 99th season kicks off in 10 days, so unlike every other sports website, we’re going to attempt to predict where each team will finish. We’re starting with the AFC West today, but just like in years past, we’d like to remind you that if you’re betting on teams based solely on what we’re telling you, you’re a goddamn moron. Go to the Sports Gambling Podcast instead.

How the AFC West will finish in 2018

1. California State University at Dominguez Hills Chargers

Is this the year in which quarterback Philip Rivers finally has more wins than kids? You bet your hairy, fat ass it is. The Chargers can only fit 27,000 of the visiting team’s fans into the StubHub Center, but with the most complete team in the AFC, they might eventually be playing in front of 111 million Americans stuffing their pie holes full of Dean’s French Onion Dip and Fritos on Super Bowl Sunday. And speaking of Fritos, here’s a pro tip: Never mix Fritos and Mountain Dew if you’re more than six minutes away from a shitter with a fully-functioning flusher…

2017 record: 9-7

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 12-4

Vegas says: 9.5 wins

Sports Gambling Podcast says: 10-6

Sports Illustrated says: 10-6

2. Oakland Raiders

If you seriously think Khalil Mack is going to bury himself in Detroit for the next six years instead of donning the silver and black for at least one more season, you’re a bigger dipshit than Randy Gregory. Last year’s version of Amari Cooper couldn’t have caught the Black Death in 1348 London, but it’ll be a different story this year as he catches passes from a fully-healthy Derek Carr alongside Jordy Nelson and, let’s see, yeah that’s about it…

2017 record: 6-10

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 10-6

Vegas says: 8-8

Sports Gambling Podcast says: 6-10

Sports Illustrated says: 5-11

3. Kansas City Chiefs

Offensively, the Chiefs look almost as daunting as Andy Reid in a punt, pass and kick competition:

andy reid punt pass kick

Unfortunately for Chiefs fans, their 2018 schedule also looks almost as daunting as Andy Reid in a punt, pass and kick competition. New quarterback Patrick Mahomes looks like the kind of quarterback who can eventually lead this team to greatness, but for every great pass he’s thrown so far this preseason, one that’s pure dog shit seems to follow it. He’s good, but I can’t believe I’m saying this: He’s no Alex Smith yet. Man, it makes me sick to say that, and now I’ll go vomit…

2017 record: 10-6

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 8-8

Vegas says: 8.5

Sports Gambling Podcast says: 7-9

Sports Illustrated says: 7-9

4. Denver Broncos

I just can’t trust a team with Pacman Jones on the roster…

2017 record: 5-11

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 3-13

Vegas says: 7-9

Sports Gambling Podcast says: 8-8

Sports Illustrated says: 8-8

Wait, there’s more: Minor League Manager Gets Ejected, Pretends To Hit A Home Run And Runs Around The Bases

You have got to see this shit:

WAIT FOR IT‼️ WOW @wcfl_football #ProSteelersvsVarNoles

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