3 Possible Reasons Why Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease Is All Of A Sudden A Thing For MLB Players

hand foot mouth

by Tommy Gimler

For his sake, let’s hope the first thing J.A. Happ didn’t do when he got to New York was jerk off.

That’s because he is now the second pitcher in New York to contract hand, foot and mouth disease, an ailment which you would usually only find in children under the age of five and goats. So what’s the reason for adults, especially two different pitchers on two different teams in New York, landing more and more cases of hand herpes? Here are our best guesses.

3. Nobody is washing hand railings, door knobs or subway poles in NYC after people who have been digging in their asses for the better part of a week grab ahold of them.

Hell, I bet if you’d check the San Francisco Center for Disease Control, they’re probably having the same issue. It’s been a while since I’ve walked past a pile of runny human shit on a sidewalk in New York, but if you look hard enough, you’ll find them. In San Francisco, you don’t even have to walk a city block before ruining your Keds. Either way, people are walking through and touching some pretty nasty goop these days, forget that they just did and then fill their pieholes full of the Skittles in their hands.

2. Yasiel Puig hasn’t washed his hands since 2016.

For some reason, this totally seems plausible.

1. The latest PED that MLB players are using involves yanking a llama’s crank and chugging seven ounces of its semen.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about athletes over the last 35 years, it’s that they’ll do anything to get an edge on their opponents. Maybe the latest thing is guzzling down some llama cum. I seriously don’t think Noah Syndergaard would stoop to that level, but I could totally see Old Man Happ giving it a shot… 

Wait, there’s more: This Whole ‘Digging Up An Athlete’s Tweets When He Was An Ignorant Child’ Thing Needs To Stop Right Now

You have got to see this shit:

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