2018 NFC West Preview: 49ers Fans Are Dreaming Of A Season Bigger Than Jimmy Garoppolo’s Girl’s Boobs

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by Tommy Gimler

Believe it or not, the Rams’ road to the top of the NFC West this year isn’t as easy as bedding Alyssa Milano if you’re a pro baseball player.

San Francisco got hotter at the end of 2017 season than a GIF of Kate Upton showing off her massive yams (see below), which have somehow found a way to get bigger without her packing on the 50 or 60 pounds you normally see on a northern Wisconsin girl following her first year of marriage. Seattle still has some talent on their roster to make some noise, although it’ll be much quieter with Richard Sherman’s fucking yapper moving south to the Bay Area. And then there’s Arizona. Well, they’ll blow, but still. Tough division to say the least. Almost as tough as getting a Christian to see the other side of an argument.

Here’s how we see it playing out this year:

2018 NFC West Projections

1. Los Angeles Rams

It might be tough to argue getting behind Jared Goff to Robert Woods for another season, but it’s not tough to imagine this defense snapping every opponent’s femur in half. Seriously, I think that’s what Ndamukong Suh tries to do on every single snap. If you thought the streets of LA couldn’t possibly get any more dangerous, think again with this guy behind the wheel of a car and driving to his residence following home games. Good team, but their schedule is rougher than a hand job from a farm girl…

2017 record: 11-5

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 9-7

Vegas says: 10-6

Sports Illustrated says: 10-6

Bleacher Report says: 9-7

2. San Francisco 49ers

We’ll be rooting against any team from San Francisco until somebody up there finally does something to discourage human beings from using the city’s sidewalks as toilets. However, bringing in a franchise quarterback that only nails porn stars in the offseason goes a long way with us…

2017 record: 6-10

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 9-7

Vegas says: 8.5 wins

Sports Illustrated says: 9-7

Bleacher Report says: 10-6

3. Seattle Seahawks

The Griffin brothers make for a cute story, but the rest of this defense has more question marks than a poor sorority girl’s Saturday night inside an East Coast frat house. I mean, Barkevious Mingo? Get the fuck out of here. And when Russell Wilson’s options after Doug Baldwin are Tyler Lockett, Ed Dickson, Chris Carson and another former Badgers quarterback, well, good luck. Plus, the newly acquired Brandon Marshall has never made it to the postseason. A lot working against Seattle this year, kids…

2017 record: 9-7

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 7-9

Vegas says: 8-8

Sports Illustrated says: 7-9

Bleacher Report says: 8-8

4. Arizona Cardinals

Nobody is expecting much from the Arizona Cardinals this year. Add us to the list…

2017 record: 8-8

DUD’s 2018 prediction: 4-12

Vegas says: 5.5 wins

Sports Illustrated says: 4-12

Bleacher Report says: 6-10

Wait, there’s more: Here’s Exactly How The AFC West Will Finish This Year

You have got to see this shit:


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