The Brewers Just Got Absolutely Dicked By The Royals: A Mike Moustakas Story

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by Tommy Gimler

Two months of a .250 hitter in exchange for a five-tool future stud and a Puerto Rican kid? Fuck me.

Most people who pay attention to the game of baseball probably hear the name Brett Phillips and think of Fire Marshall Bill, and that’s because the motherfucker looks just like him when he laughs. But what they don’t know is that the kid is going to be an absolute beast when he finally gets his chance to roam centerfield for a Major League ball club.

Well, it turns out that club is going to be the Kansas City Royals thanks to a mind-bottling trade that went down between the Brewers and Royals following Milwaukee’s victory in San Francisco Friday night. The Royals sent Milwaukee a two-month rental in the form of Mike Moustakas in exchange for Phillips and pitcher Jorge’s Lopez, who’s Puerto Rican, so he must be outstanding.

That means the Brewers will be getting a left-handed hitting third baseman who hits below .250 and slugs home runs from time to time. Sound familiar, Brewers fans? Well, it should because the Brew Crew already has that guy on their roster, and his name is Travis Shaw. To make room for Moustakas on the diamond, manager Craig Counsell said Shaw will move to second base, which shouldn’t be a big deal except that he’ll need help “learning how to turn double plays,” which is something you always want to hear about a guy on your favorite MLB team’s roster heading into August.

Why the Brewers threw away such a valuable piece in exchange for a guy who was so coveted in the offseason that he settled for a one-year deal with the team who initially told him and his agent to get fucked instead of including Phillips in a deal for a pitcher better than Chase Anderson? We have no idea.

Our best guess is that former GM Doug Melvin snuck into current GM David Stearns’s office and pulled the trigger on it. This has the stench of one of his week-old mustache rides written all over it…

Wait, there’s more: Here’s Gary Sanchez’s Fat Ass Costing The Yankees Another Game

You have got to see this shit:

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