Here Are 10 Things To Help Get You Through The Worst Sports Day Of The Year

danny devito tits

by Tommy Gimler

It’s the Wednesday after the MLB All-Star Game, and that means no baseball, no football, no basketball, no hockey, and no golf.

It’s a day where sports junkies like us spend the day shaking like we’re Michael J. Fox, surfing through every channel in hopes of finding some form of a major sport and having to settle on a rerun of the 1984 All-Star Game. It’s days like today where you question whether or not there is a god. But it’s also the one day of the year where sports fans can enjoy doing something else without worrying about missing the play or performance of the year, and we’ve come up with a list of ten things you can do tonight instead of breaking down and watching soccer. Or even worse, the WNBA…

10 Things To Do On The Worst Sports Day Of The Year

1) Type the word “tits” into Google Images, and count how many pictures of tits appear before one of Danny DeVito does…

2) Make your wife dinner, watch The Bachelorette with her, massage her bunions, and keep this day in your back pocket like it’s a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card…

3) If you’re unemployed and in financial trouble (and according to sixty percent of the commercials ESPN and the MLB Network run during their late morning and early afternoon programming blocks, most of their viewers are), today is as good as any to spend at least eight hours looking for work other than general manager of a sports team, beer taster, and professional gamer. Look, no matter how good you think you are at Madden, some Korean kid is better…

4) Speaking of Madden, call up your buddy, have him bring over two cases of beer and four frozen pizzas, shut off your phones, and tell your girlfriend to get the fuck out. It’s time for a Madden fantasy draft. Just make sure to set your alarm for 6am so you can wake up and call in sick tomorrow. Well, unless you’re a professional and still playing at that point…

5) Watch this video:

6) Read through “The Best of Craigslist.” Start with this one right here:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tpa/3863194747.html

If you still have time after that, answer a “missed connection” in your area and see where it takes you…

7) Can you eat six saltines or a tablespoon of cinnamon in one minute without drinking water? Can you drink a gallon of milk in one hour? Can you drink one shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes? Today is the perfect day to find out. Or better yet, go to McDonald’s with a couple of your buddies and order two 20-piece boxes of Chicken McNuggets. You have 20 minutes to eat 40 McNuggets. It really doesn’t matter who wins because in the morning all of you are going to be fucking losers…

8) We’ve all heard of the Cincinnati Chili Dog, Cleveland Steamer, Sheboygan Mudplow, Alabama Hot Pocket, Nestle Knockout, Bull Rider, and Jelly Donut, but how many of us have actually performed them? Call up your girlfriend or her sister, get her drunk, and see how long you can hang on…

9) Remember when Marv Albert wore women’s panties and bit that chick in the back? We do. Take some time today to read through the timeline and some of the court transcripts thanks to our friends at Deadspin:

http://deadspin.com/5814233/the-comeback-pig-marv-albert-and-how-to-survive-any-sex-scandal

10) If none of the above sound enticing to you, and you have to tune in to some kind of sports television tonight, then you’ll have to settle for The ESPYs on ESPN. But be warned, there is no way Danica Patrick or anybody else will ever come close to opening the show like Norm MacDonald did in 1998:

Wait, there’s more: 3 Bold Predictions For MLB’s Second Half

You have got to see this shit:

What do you think? Leave a comment or subscribe to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Image Description